第76章

A general flavor of mild decay, But nothing local, as one may say.

There couldn't be, - for the Deacon's art Had made it so like in every part That there wasn't a chance for one to start.

For the wheels were just as strong as the thills, And the floor was just as strong as the sills, And the panels just as strong as the floor, And the whippletree neither less nor more, And the back-crossbar as strong as the fore, And spring and axle and hub ENCORE.

And yet, AS A WHOLE, it is past a doubt In another hour it will be WORN OUT!

First of November, 'Fifty-five!

This morning the parson takes a drive.

Now, small boys, get out of the way!

Here comes the wonderful one-horse-shay, Drawn by a rat-tailed, ewe-necked bay.

"Huddup!" said the parson.- Off went they.

The parson was working his Sunday's text, -Had got to FIFTHLY, and stopped perplexed At what the - Moses - was coming next.

All at once the horse stood still, Close by the meet'n-house on the hill.

- First a shiver, and then a thrill, Then something decidedly like a spill, -And the parson was sitting upon a rock, At half-past nine by the meet'n-house clock, -Just the hour of the Earthquake shock!

- What do you think the parson found, When he got up and stared around?

The poor old chaise in a heap or mound, As if it had been to the mill and ground!

You see, of course, if you're not a dunce, How it went to pieces all at once, -All at once, and nothing first, -

Just as bubbles do when they burst.

End of the wonderful one-hoss-shay.

Logic is logic.That's all I say.

- I think there is one habit, - I said to our company a day or two afterwards - worse than that of punning.It is the gradual substitution of cant or flash terms for words which truly characterize their objects.I have known several very genteel idiots whose whole vocabulary had deliquesced into some half dozen expressions.All things fell into one of two great categories, -FAST or SLOW.Man's chief end was to be a BRICK.When the great calamities of life overtook their friends, these last were spoken of as being a GOOD DEAL CUT UP.Nine-tenths of human existence were summed up in the single word, BORE.These expressions come to be the algebraic symbols of minds which have grown too weak or indolent to discriminate.They are the blank checks of intellectual bankruptcy; - you may fill them up with what idea you like; it makes no difference, for there are no funds in the treasury upon which they are drawn.Colleges and good-for-nothing smoking-clubs are the places where these conversational fungi spring up most luxuriantly.Don't think I undervalue the proper use and application of a cant word or phrase.It adds piquancy to conversation, as a mushroom does to a sauce.But it is no better than a toadstool, odious to the sense and poisonous to the intellect, when it spawns itself all over the talk of men and youths capable of talking, as it sometimes does.As we hear flash phraseology, it is commonly the dishwater from the washings of English dandyism, school-boy or full-grown, wrung out of a three-volume novel which had sopped it up, or decanted from the pictured urn of Mr.Verdant Green, and diluted to suit the provincial climate.

- The young fellow called John spoke up sharply and said, it was "rum" to hear me "pitchin' into fellers" for "goin' it in the slang line," when I used all the flash words myself just when I pleased.

- I replied with my usual forbearance.- Certainly, to give up the algebraic symbol, because A or B is often a cover for ideal nihility, would be unwise.I have heard a child laboring to express a certain condition, involving a hitherto undescribed sensation (as it supposed,) all of which could have been sufficiently explained by the participle - BORED.I have seen a country-clergyman, with a one-story intellect and a one-horse vocabulary, who has consumed his valuable time (and mine) freely, in developing an opinion of a brother-minister's discourse which would have been abundantly characterized by a peach-down-lipped sophomore in the one word - SLOW.Let us discriminate, and be shy of absolute proscription.I am omniverbivorous by nature and training.Passing by such words as are poisonous, I can swallow most others, and chew such as I cannot swallow.

Dandies are not good for much, but they are good for something.

They invent or keep in circulation those conversational blank checks or counters just spoken of, which intellectual capitalists may sometimes find it worth their while to borrow of them.They are useful, too, in keeping up the standard of dress, which, but for them, would deteriorate, and become, what some old fools would have it, a matter of convenience, and not of taste and art.Yes, Ilike dandies well enough, - on one condition.

- What is that, Sir? - said the divinity-student.

- That they have pluck.I find that lies at the bottom of all true dandyism.A little boy dressed up very fine, who puts his finger in his mouth and takes to crying, if other boys make fun of him, looks very silly.But if he turns red in the face and knotty in the fists, and makes an example of the biggest of his assailants, throwing off his fine Leghorn and his thickly-buttoned jacket, if necessary, to consummate the act of justice, his small toggery takes on the splendors of the crested helmet that frightened Astyanax.You remember that the Duke said his dandy officers were his best officers.The "Sunday blood," the super-superb sartorial equestrian of our annual Fast-day, is not imposing or dangerous.