第37章

I ment to have allooded to the Grate Orgin in this letter, but Ihaven't seen it.Mr.Reveer, whose tavern I stop at, informed me that it can be distinctly heard through a smoked glass in his nativ town in New Hampshire, any clear day.But settin' the Grate Orgin aside (and indeed, I don't think I heard it mentioned all the time I was there), Boston is one of the grandest, sure-footedest, clear headedest, comfortablest cities on the globe.Onlike ev'ry other large city I was ever in, the most of the hackmen don't seem to hav' bin speshully intended by natur for the Burglery perfession, and it's about the only large city I know of where you don't enjoy a brilliant opportunity of bein swindled in sum way, from the Risin of the sun to the goin down thereof.There4 I say, loud and continnered applaus' for Boston!

DOMESTIC MATTERS.

Kiss the children for me.What you tell me 'bout the Twins greeves me sorely.When I sent 'em that Toy Enjine I had not contempyulated that they would so fur forgit what wos doo the dignity of our house as to squirt dishwater on the Incum Tax Collector.It is a disloyal act, and shows a prematoor leanin'

tords cussedness that alarms me.I send to Amelia Ann, our oldest dawter, sum new music, viz."I am Lonely sints My Mother-in-law Died"; "Dear Mother, What tho' the Hand that Spanked me in my Childhood's Hour is withered now?" &c.These song writers, by the way, air doin' the Mother Bizness rather too muchly.

Your Own Troo husban', Artemus Ward.

1.30.HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION.

There are several reports afloat as to how "Honest Old Abe"received the news of his nomination, none of which are correct.We give the correct report.

The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve, and went to Honest Old Abe's house.Honest Old Abe was not in.Mrs.Honest Old Abe said Honest Old Abe was out in the woods splitting rails.

So the Official Committee went out into the woods, where sure enough they found Honest Old Abe splitting rails with his two boys.

It was a grand, a magnificent spectacle.There stood Honest Old Abe in his shirt-sleeves, a pair of leather home-made suspenders holding up a pair of home-made pantaloons, the seat of which was neatly patched with substantial cloth of a different color."Mr Lincoln, Sir, you've been nominated, Sir, for the highest office, Sir--." "Oh, don't bother me," said Honest Old Abe; "I took a STENT this mornin' to split three million rails afore night, and Idon't want to be pestered with no stuff about no Conventions till Iget my stent done.I've only got two hundred thousand rails to split before sundown.I kin do it if you'll let me alone." And the great man went right on splitting rails, paying no attention to the Committee whatever.The Committee were lost in admiration for a few moments, when they recovered, and asked one of Honest Old Abe's boys whose boy he was? "I'm my parent's boy," shouted the urchin, which burst of wit so convulsed the Committee that they came very near "gin'in eout" completely.In a few moments Honest Ole Abe finished his task, and received the news with perfect self-possession.He then asked them up to the house, where he received them cordially.He said he split three million rails every day, although he was in very poor health.Mr.Lincoln is a jovial man, and has a keen sense of the ludicrous.During the evening he asked Mr.Evarts, of New York, "why Chicago was like a hen crossing the street?" Mr.Evarts gave it up."Because," said Mr.Lincoln, "Old Grimes is dead, that good old man!" This exceedingly humorous thing created the most uproarious laughter.

1.31.INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN.

I hav no politics.Not a one.I'm not in the bisiness.If I was I spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at nite and go home to Betsy Jane smellen of coal ile and gin, in the mornin.Ishould go to the Poles arly.I should stay there all day.I should see to it that my nabers was thar.I should git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm and the indignant thar.I should be on guard agin frauds and sich.I should be on the look out for the infamus lise of the enemy, got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical effeck.When all was over and my candydate was elected, I should move heving & erth--so to speak--until I got orfice, which if Ididn't git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the Administration with all my mite and maine.But I'm not in the bizniss.I'm in a far more respectful bizniss nor what pollertics is.I wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser.The wuss insult I ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to run fur the Legislater.Sez I, "My frends, dostest think I'd stoop to that there?" They turned as white as a sheet.I spoke in my most orfullest tones & they knowed I wasn't to be trifled with.

They slunked out of site to onct.

There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in Springfield.I found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers.Knowin he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez I, "Old Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer jib-poop over-board!

Shiver my timbers, my harty!" [N.B.This is ginuine mariner langwidge.I know, becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by them New York theatre fellers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, "Send in yer petition by & by.I can't possibly look at it now.

Indeed, I can't.It's onpossible, sir!"

"Mr.Linkin, who do you spect I air?" sed I.

"A orfice-seeker, to be sure," sed he.

"Wall, sir," sed I, "you's never more mistaken in your life.You hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances.I'm A.Ward.