第32章

He judged the quantity as small because it WAS small, and all the more egregiously since it couldn't, as he saw the case, so much as thinkably have been larger.He hadn't had the gift of making the most of what he tried, and if he had tried and tried again--no one but himself knew how often--it appeared to have been that he might demonstrate what else, in default of that, COULD be made.Old ghosts of experiments came back to him, old drudgeries and delusions, and disgusts, old recoveries with their relapses, old fevers with their chills, broken moments of good faith, others of still better doubt; adventures, for the most part, of the sort qualified as lessons.The special spring that had constantly played for him the day before was the recognition--frequent enough to surprise him--of the promises to himself that he had after his other visit never kept.The reminiscence to-day most quickened for him was that of the vow taken in the course of the pilgrimage that, newly-married, with the War just over, and helplessly young in spite of it, he had recklessly made with the creature who was so much younger still.It had been a bold dash, for which they had taken money set apart for necessities, but kept sacred at the moment in a hundred ways, and in none more so than by this private pledge of his own to treat the occasion as a relation formed with the higher culture and see that, as they said at Woollett, it should bear a good harvest.He had believed, sailing home again, that he had gained something great, and his theory--with an elaborate innocent plan of reading, digesting, coming back even, every few years--had then been to preserve, cherish and extend it.

As such plans as these had come to nothing, however, in respect to acquisitions still more precious, it was doubtless little enough of a marvel that he should have lost account of that handful of seed.Buried for long years in dark corners at any rate these few germs had sprouted again under forty-eight hours of Paris.The process of yesterday had really been the process of feeling the general stirred life of connexions long since individually dropped.Strether had become acquainted even on this ground with short gusts of speculation--sudden flights of fancy in Louvre galleries, hungry gazes through clear plates behind which lemon-coloured volumes were as fresh as fruit on the tree.

There were instants at which he could ask whether, since there had been fundamentally so little question of his keeping anything, the fate after all decreed for him hadn't been only to BE kept.Kept for something, in that event, that he didn't pretend, didn't possibly dare as yet to divine; something that made him hover and wonder and laugh and sigh, made him advance and retreat, feeling half ashamed of his impulse to plunge and more than half afraid of his impulse to wait.He remembered for instance how he had gone back in the sixties with lemon-coloured volumes in general on the brain as well as with a dozen--selected for his wife too--in his trunk; and nothing had at the moment shown more confidence than this invocation of the finer taste.They were still somewhere at home, the dozen--stale and soiled and never sent to the binder;but what had become of the sharp initiation they represented? They represented now the mere sallow paint on the door of the temple of taste that he had dreamed of raising up--a structure he had practically never carried further.Strether's present highest flights were perhaps those in which this particular lapse figured to him as a symbol, a symbol of his long grind and his want of odd moments, his want moreover of money, of opportunity, of positive dignity.That the memory of the vow of his youth should, in order to throb again, have had to wait for this last, as he felt it, of all his accidents--that was surely proof enough of how his conscience had been encumbered.If any further proof were needed it would have been to be found in the fact that, as he perfectly now saw, he had ceased even to measure his meagreness, a meagreness that sprawled, in this retrospect, vague and comprehensive, stretching back like some unmapped Hinterland from a rough coast-settlement.His conscience had been amusing itself for the forty-eight hours by forbidding him the purchase of a book; he held off from that, held off from everything; from the moment he didn't yet call on Chad he wouldn't for the world have taken any other step.On this evidence, however, of the way they actually affected him he glared at the lemon-coloured covers in confession of the subconsciousness that, all the same, in the great desert of the years, he must have had of them.The green covers at home comprised, by the law of their purpose, no tribute to letters; it was of a mere rich kernel of economics, politics, ethics that, glazed and, as Mrs.Newsome maintained rather against HIS view, pre-eminently pleasant to touch, they formed the specious shell.Without therefore any needed instinctive knowledge of what was coming out, in Paris, on the bright highway, he struck himself at present as having more than once flushed with a suspicion: he couldn't otherwise at present be feeling so many fears confirmed.There were "movements" he was too late for:

weren't they, with the fun of them, already spent? There were sequences he had missed and great gaps in the procession: he might have been watching it all recede in a golden cloud of dust.If the playhouse wasn't closed his seat had at least fallen to somebody else.He had had an uneasy feeling the night before that if he was at the theatre at all--though he indeed justified the theatre, in the specific sense, and with a grotesqueness to which his imagination did all honour, as something he owed poor Waymarsh--he should have been there with, and as might have been said, FORChad.