第21章

it was almost as if he had been gazing at a distorted reflection of his own features.For a moment Charity looked at him with a kind of terror, as if he had been a stranger under familiar lineaments; then she glanced past him and saw on the floor an open portmanteau half full of clothes.She understood that he was preparing to leave, and that he had probably decided to go without seeing her.She saw that the decision, from whatever cause it was taken, had disturbed him deeply;and she immediately concluded that his change of plan was due to some surreptitious interference of Mr.

Royall's.All her old resentments and rebellions flamed up, confusedly mingled with the yearning roused by Harney's nearness.Only a few hours earlier she had felt secure in his comprehending pity; now she was flung back on herself, doubly alone after that moment of communion.

Harney was still unaware of her presence.He sat without moving, moodily staring before him at the same spot in the wall-paper.He had not even had the energy to finish his packing, and his clothes and papers lay on the floor about the portmanteau.Presently he unlocked his clasped hands and stood up; and Charity, drawing back hastily, sank down on the step of the verandah.The night was so dark that there was not much chance of his seeing her unless he opened the window and before that she would have time to slip away and be lost in the shadow of the trees.He stood for a minute or two looking around the room with the same expression of self-disgust, as if he hated himself and everything about him; then he sat down again at the table, drew a few more strokes, and threw his pencil aside.Finally he walked across the floor, kicking the portmanteau out of his way, and lay down on the bed, folding his arms under his head, and staring up morosely at the ceiling.Just so, Charity had seen him at her side on the grass or the pine-needles, his eyes fixed on the sky, and pleasure flashing over his face like the flickers of sun the branches shed on it.

But now the face was so changed that she hardly knew it; and grief at his grief gathered in her throat, rose to her eyes and ran over.

She continued to crouch on the steps, holding her breath and stiffening herself into complete immobility.

One motion of her hand, one tap on the pane, and she could picture the sudden change in his face.In every pulse of her rigid body she was aware of the welcome his eyes and lips would give her; but something kept her from moving.It was not the fear of any sanction, human or heavenly; she had never in her life been afraid.It was simply that she had suddenly understood what would happen if she went in.It was the thing that did happen between young men and girls, and that North Dormer ignored in public and snickered over on the sly.It was what Miss Hatchard was still ignorant of, but every girl of Charity's class knew about before she left school.It was what had happened to Ally Hawes's sister Julia, and had ended in her going to Nettleton, and in people's never mentioning her name.

It did not, of course, always end so sensationally;nor, perhaps, on the whole, so untragically.Charity had always suspected that the shunned Julia's fate might have its compensations.There were others, worse endings that the village knew of, mean, miserable, unconfessed; other lives that went on drearily, without visible change, in the same cramped setting of hypocrisy.But these were not the reasons that held her back.Since the day before, she had known exactly what she would feel if Harney should take her in his arms: the melting of palm into palm and mouth on mouth, and the long flame burning her from head to foot.But mixed with this feeling was another: the wondering pride in his liking for her, the startled softness that his sympathy had put into her heart.Sometimes, when her youth flushed up in her, she had imagined yielding like other girls to furtive caresses in the twilight;but she could not so cheapen herself to Harney.She did not know why he was going; but since he was going she felt she must do nothing to deface the image of her that he carried away.If he wanted her he must seek her: he must not be surprised into taking her as girls like Julia Hawes were taken....

No sound came from the sleeping village, and in the deep darkness of the garden she heard now and then a secret rustle of branches, as though some night-bird brushed them.Once a footfall passed the gate, and she shrank back into her corner; but the steps died away and left a profounder quiet.Her eyes were still on Harney's tormented face: she felt she could not move till he moved.But she was beginning to grow numb from her constrained position, and at times her thoughts were so indistinct that she seemed to be held there only by a vague weight of weariness.

A long time passed in this strange vigil.Harney still lay on the bed, motionless and with fixed eyes, as though following his vision to its bitter end.At last he stirred and changed his attitude slightly, and Charity's heart began to tremble.But he only flung out his arms and sank back into his former position.

With a deep sigh he tossed the hair from his forehead;then his whole body relaxed, his head turned sideways on the pillow, and she saw that he had fallen asleep.

The sweet expression came back to his lips, and the haggardness faded from his face, leaving it as fresh as a boy's.

She rose and crept away.