第16章

"I'm not without hope of being able to make it decent enough," he said as I went back to the subject while we turned up our heels to the sky."At least the people who dislike my stuff--and there are plenty of them, I believe--will dislike this thing (if it does turn out well) most." This was the first time I had heard him allude to the people who couldn't read him--a class so generally conceived to sit heavy on the consciousness of the man of letters.A being organised for literature as Mark Ambient was must certainly have had the normal proportion of sensitiveness, of irritability; the artistic ego, capable in some cases of such monstrous development, must have been in his composition sufficiently erect and active.I won't therefore go so far as to say that he never thought of his detractors or that he had any illusions with regard to the number of his admirers--he could never so far have deceived himself as to believe he was popular, but I at least then judged (and had occasion to be sure later on) that stupidity ruffled him visibly but little, that he had an air of thinking it quite natural he should leave many simple folk, tasting of him, as simple as ever he found them, and that he very seldom talked about the newspapers, which, by the way, were always even abnormally vulgar about him.Of course he may have thought them over--the newspapers--night and day; the only point Imake is that he didn't show it while at the same time he didn't strike one as a man actively on his guard.I may add that, touching his hope of making the work on which he was then engaged the best of his books, it was only partly carried out.That place belongs incontestably to "Beltraffio," in spite of the beauty of certain parts of its successor.I quite believe, however, that he had at the moment of which I speak no sense of having declined; he was in love with his idea, which was indeed magnificent, and though for him, as Isuppose for every sane artist, the act of execution had in it as much torment as joy, he saw his result grow like the crescent of the young moon and promise to fill the disk."I want to be truer than I've ever been," he said, settling himself on his back with his hands clasped behind his head; "I want to give the impression of life itself.No, you may say what you will, I've always arranged things too much, always smoothed them down and rounded them off and tucked them in--done everything to them that life doesn't do.I've been a slave to the old superstitions.""You a slave, my dear Mark Ambient? You've the freest imagination of our day!""All the more shame to me to have done some of the things I have!

The reconciliation of the two women in 'Natalina,' for instance, which could never really have taken place.That sort of thing's ignoble--I blush when I think of it! This new affair must be a golden vessel, filled with the purest distillation of the actual; and oh how it worries me, the shaping of the vase, the hammering of the metal! I have to hammer it so fine, so smooth; I don't do more than an inch or two a day.And all the while I have to be so careful not to let a drop of the liquor escape! When I see the kind of things Life herself, the brazen hussy, does, I despair of ever catching her peculiar trick.She has an impudence, Life! If one risked a fiftieth part of the effects she risks! It takes ever so long to believe it.You don't know yet, my dear youth.It isn't till one has been watching her some forty years that one finds out half of what she's up to! Therefore one's earlier things must inevitably contain a mass of rot.And with what one sees, on one side, with its tongue in its cheek, defying one to be real enough, and on the other the bonnes gens rolling up their eyes at one's cynicism, the situation has elements of the ludicrous which the poor reproducer himself is doubtless in a position to appreciate better than any one else.Of course one mustn't worry about the bonnes gens," Mark Ambient went on while my thoughts reverted to his ladylike wife as interpreted by his remarkable sister.

"To sink your shaft deep and polish the plate through which people look into it--that's what your work consists of," I remember ingeniously observing.

"Ah polishing one's plate--that's the torment of execution!" he exclaimed, jerking himself up and sitting forward."The effort to arrive at a surface, if you think anything of that decent sort necessary--some people don't, happily for them! My dear fellow, if you could see the surface I dream of as compared with the one with which I've to content myself.Life's really too short for art--one hasn't time to make one's shell ideally hard.Firm and bright, firm and bright is very well to say--the devilish thing has a way sometimes of being bright, and even of being hard, as mere tough frozen pudding is hard, without being firm.When I rap it with my knuckles it doesn't give the right sound.There are horrible sandy stretches where I've taken the wrong turn because I couldn't for the life of me find the right.If you knew what a dunce I am sometimes!

Such things figure to me now base pimples and ulcers on the brow of beauty!""They're very bad, very bad," I said as gravely as I could.

"Very bad? They're the highest social offence I know; it ought--it absolutely ought; I'm quite serious--to be capital.If I knew Ishould be publicly thrashed else I'd manage to find the true word.