第25章 Volume 1(25)
O'Connor was not dejected;on the contrary,he joined with loud and lively alacrity in the hilarity of the little party;but I could see in the flush of his cheek,and in the unusual brightness of his eye,all the excitement of fever--he was making an effort almost beyond his strength,but he succeeded--and when his mother rose to leave the room,it was with the impression that her son was the gayest and most light-hearted of the company.Twice or thrice she had risen with the intention of retiring,but O'Connor,with an eagerness which I alone could understand,had persuaded her to remain until the usual hour of her departure had long passed;and when at length she arose,declaring that she could not possibly stay longer,I alone could comprehend the desolate change which passed over his manner;and when I saw them part,it was with the sickening conviction that those two beings,so dear to one another,so loved,so cherished,should meet no more.
O'Connor briefly informed his cousins of the position in which he was placed,requesting them at the same time to accompany him to the field,and this having been settled,we separated,each to his own apartment.I had wished to sit up with O'Connor,who had matters to arrange sufficient to employ him until the hour appointed for M'Donough's visit;but he would not hear of it,and I was forced,though sorely against my will,to leave him without a companion.I went to my room,and,in a state of excitement which I cannot describe,I paced for hours up and down its narrow precincts.I could not--who could?--analyse the strange,contradictory,torturing feelings which,while Irecoiled in shrinking horror from the scene which the morning was to bring,yet forced me to wish the intervening time annihilated;each hour that the clock told seemed to vibrate and tinkle through every nerve;my agitation was dreadful;fancy conjured up the forms of those who filled my thoughts with more than the vividness of reality;things seemed to glide through the dusky shadows of the room.I saw the dreaded form of Fitzgerald--I heard the hated laugh of the captain--and again the features of O'Connor would appear before me,with ghastly distinctness,pale and writhed in death,the gouts of gore clotted in the mouth,and the eye-balls glared and staring.Scared with the visions which seemed to throng with unceasing rapidity and vividness,I threw open the window and looked out upon the quiet scene around.I turned my eyes in the direction of the town;a heavy cloud was lowering darkly about it,and I,in impious frenzy,prayed to God that it might burst in avenging fires upon the murderous wretch who lay beneath.At length,sick and giddy with excess of excitement,I threw myself upon the bed without removing my clothes,and endeavoured to compose myself so far as to remain quiet until the hour for our assembling should arrive.
A few minutes before four o'clock I stole noiselessly downstairs,and made my way to the small study already mentioned.Acandle was burning within;and,when I opened the door,O'Connor was reading a book,which,on seeing me,he hastily closed,colouring slightly as he did so.
We exchanged a cordial but mournful greeting;and after a slight pause he said,laying his hand upon the volume which he had shut a moment before:
'Purcell,I feel perfectly calm,though I cannot say that I have much hope as to the issue of this morning's rencounter.Ishall avoid half the danger.If I must fall,I am determined I shall not go down to the grave with his blood upon my hands.I have resolved not to fire at Fitzgerald--that is,to fire in such a direction as to assure myself against hitting him.
Do not say a word of this to the O'Gradys.
Your doing so would only produce fruitless altercation;they could not understand my motives.I feel convinced that I shall not leave the field alive.If I must die to-day,I shall avoid an awful aggravation of wretchedness.Purcell,'he continued,after a little space,'I was so weak as to feel almost ashamed of the manner in which Iwas occupied as you entered the room.
Yes,_I--I_who will be,before this evening,a cold and lifeless clod,was ashamed to have spent my last moment of reflection in prayer.God pardon me!God pardon me!'he repeated.
I took his hand and pressed it,but I could not speak.I sought for words of comfort,but they would not come.To have uttered one cheering sentence I must have contradicted every impression of my own mind.I felt too much awed to attempt it.Shortly afterwards,M'Donough arrived.No wretched patient ever underwent a more thrilling revulsion at the first sight of the case of surgical instruments under which he had to suffer,than did Iupon beholding a certain oblong flat mahogany box,bound with brass,and of about two feet in length,laid upon the table in the hall.O'Connor,thanking him for his punctuality,requested him to come into his study for a moment,when,with a melancholy collectedness,he proceeded to make arrangements for our witnessing his will.The document was a brief one,and the whole matter was just arranged,when the two O'Gradys crept softly into the room.
'So!last will and testament,'said the elder.'Why,you have a very BLUE notion of these matters.I tell you,you need not be uneasy.I remember very well,when young Ryan of Ballykealey met M'Neil the duellist,bets ran twenty to one against him.I stole away from school,and had a peep at the fun as well as the best of them.
They fired together.Ryan received the ball through the collar of his coat,and M'Neil in the temple;he spun like a top: it was a most unexpected thing,and disappointed his friends damnably.It was admitted,however,to have been very pretty shooting upon both sides.To be sure,'he continued,pointing to the will,'you are in the right to keep upon the safe side of fortune;but then,there is no occasion to be altogether so devilish down in the mouth as you appear to be.'
'You will allow,'said O'Connor,'that the chances are heavily against me.'