第30章 Volume 1(30)

This is a merciful dispensation;but the rule has its exceptions--its terrible exceptions.When a man is brought in an instant,by some sudden accident,to the very verge of the fathomless pit of death,with all his recollections awake,and his perceptions keenly and vividly alive,without previous illness to subdue the tone of the mind as to dull its apprehensions--then,and then only,the death-bed is truly terrible.

Oh,what a contrast did O'Connor afford as he lay in all the abject helplessness of undisguised terror upon his death-bed,to the proud composure with which he had taken the field that morning.I had always before thought of death as of a quiet sleep stealing gradually upon exhausted nature,made welcome by suffering,or,at least,softened by resignation;I had never before stood by the side of one upon whom the hand of death had been thus suddenly laid;I had never seen the tyrant arrayed in his terror till then.

Never before or since have I seen horror so intensely depicted.It seemed actually as if O'Connor's mind had been unsettled by the shock;the few words he uttered were marked with all the incoherence of distraction;but it was not words that marked his despair most strongly,the appalling and heart-sickening groans that came from the terror-stricken and dying man must haunt me while Ilive;the expression,too,of hopeless,imploring agony with which he turned his eyes from object to object,I can never forget.At length,appearing suddenly to recollect himself,he said,with startling alertness,but in a voice so altered that I scarce could recognise the tones:

'Purcell,Purcell,go and tell my poor mother;she must know all,and then,quick,quick,quick,call your uncle,bring him here;I must have a chance.'He made a violent but fruitless effort to rise,and after a slight pause continued,with deep and urgent solemnity:'Doctor,how long shall I live?Don't flatter me.

Compliments at a death-bed are out of place;doctor,for God's sake,as you would not have my soul perish with my body,do not mock a dying man;have I an hour to live?'

'Certainly,'replied the surgeon;'if you will but endeavour to keep yourself tranquil;otherwise I cannot answer for a moment.'

'Well,doctor,'said the patient,'I will obey you;now,Purcell,my first and dearest friend,will you inform my poor mother of--of what you see,and return with your uncle;I know you will.'

I took the dear fellow's hand and kissed it,it was the only answer I could give,and left the room.I asked the first female servant I chanced to meet,if her mistress were yet up,and was answered in the affirmative.Without giving myself time to hesitate,I requested her to lead me to her lady's room,which she accordingly did;she entered first,I supposed to announce my name,and I followed closely;the poor mother said something,and held out her hands to welcome me;I strove for words;I could not speak,but nature found expression;I threw myself at her feet and covered her hands with kisses and tears.My manner was enough;with a quickness almost preternatural she understood it all;she simply said the words:

'O'Connor is killed;'she uttered no more.

How I left the room I know not;I rode madly to my uncle's residence,and brought him back with me--all the rest is a blank.I remember standing by O'Connor's bedside,and kissing the cold pallid forehead again and again;I remember the pale serenity of the beautiful features;I remember that I looked upon the dead face of my friend,and I remember no more.

For many months I lay writhing and raving in the frenzy of brain fever;a hundred times I stood tottering at the brink of death,and long after my restoration to bodily health was assured,it appeared doubtful whether I should ever be restored to reason.But God dealt very mercifully with me;His mighty hand rescued me from death and from madness when one or other appeared inevitable.

As soon as I was permitted pen and ink,I wrote to the bereaved mother in a tone bordering upon frenzy.I accused myself of having made her childless;I called myself a murderer;I believed myself accursed;I could not find terms strong enough to express my abhorrence of my own conduct.But,oh!what an answer Ireceived,so mild,so sweet,from the desolate,childless mother!its words spoke all that is beautiful in Christianity--it was forgiveness--it was resignation.I am convinced that to that letter,operating as it did upon a mind already predisposed,is owing my final determination to devote myself to that profession in which,for more than half a century,I have been a humble minister.

Years roll away,and we count them not as they pass,but their influence is not the less certain that it is silent;the deepest wounds are gradually healed,the keenest griefs are mitigated,and we,in character,feelings,tastes,and pursuits,become such altered beings,that but for some few indelible marks which past events must leave behind them,which time may soften,but can never efface;our very identity would be dubious.Who has not felt all this at one time or other?Who has not mournfully felt it?This trite,but natural train of reflection filled my mind as I approached the domain of Castle Connor some ten years after the occurrence of the events above narrated.Everything looked the same as when I had left it;the old trees stood as graceful and as grand as ever;no plough had violated the soft green sward;no utilitarian hand had constrained the wanderings of the clear and sportive stream,or disturbed the lichen-covered rocks through which it gushed,or the wild coppice that over-shadowed its sequestered nooks--but the eye that looked upon these things was altered,and memory was busy with other days,shrouding in sadness every beauty that met my sight.