第44章 THE THIRD EXTRACT FROM PECHORIN'S DIARYPRINCESS MA
In the opinion of the learned of Pyatigorsk,the hollow in question is nothing more nor less than an extinct crater.It is situated on a slope of Mount Mashuk,at the distance of a verst from the town,and is approached by a narrow path between brushwood and rocks.In climbing up the hill,I gave Princess Mary my arm,and she did not leave it during the whole excur-sion.
Our conversation commenced with slander;Iproceeded to pass in review our present and absent acquaintances;at first I exposed their ridiculous,and then their bad,sides.My choler rose.I began in jest,and ended in genuine malice.At first she was amused,but afterwards frightened.
"You are a dangerous man!"she said."I would rather perish in the woods under the knife of an assassin than under your tongue...In all earnestness I beg of you:when it comes into your mind to speak evil of me,take a knife instead and cut my throat.I think you would not find that a very difficult matter.""Am I like an assassin,then?"...
"You are worse"...
I fell into thought for a moment;then,assuming a deeply moved air,I said:
"Yes,such has been my lot from very child-hood!All have read upon my countenance the marks of bad qualities,which were not existent;but they were assumed to exist --and they were born.I was modest --I was accused of slyness:Igrew secretive.I profoundly felt both good and evil --no one caressed me,all insulted me:Igrew vindictive.I was gloomy --other children merry and talkative;I felt myself higher than they --I was rated lower:I grew envious.Iwas prepared to love the whole world --no one understood me:I learned to hate.My colour-less youth flowed by in conflict with myself and the world;fearing ridicule,I buried my best feelings in the depths of my heart,and there they died.I spoke the truth --I was not believed:Ibegan to deceive.Having acquired a thorough knowledge of the world and the springs of society,I grew skilled in the science of life;and Isaw how others without skill were happy,en-joying gratuitously the advantages which I so unweariedly sought.Then despair was born within my breast --not that despair which is cured at the muzzle of a pistol,but the cold,powerless despair concealed beneath the mask of amiability and a good-natured smile.I became a moral cripple.One half of my soul ceased to exist;it dried up,evaporated,died,and I cut it off and cast it from me.The other half moved and lived --at the service of all;but it remained un-observed,because no one knew that the half which had perished had ever existed.But,now,the memory of it has been awakened within me by you,and I have read you its epitaph.To many,epitaphs in general seem ridiculous,but to me they do not;especially when I remember what reposes beneath them.I will not,however,ask you to share my opinion.If this outburst seems absurd to you,I pray you,laugh!I fore-warn you that your laughter will not cause me the least chagrin."At that moment I met her eyes:tears were welling in them.Her arm,as it leaned upon mine,was trembling;her cheeks were aflame;she pitied me!Sympathy --a feeling to which all women yield so easily,had dug its talons into her inexperienced heart.During the whole excursion she was preoccupied,and did not flirt with anyone --and that is a great sign!
We arrived at the hollow;the ladies left their cavaliers,but she did not let go my arm.The witticisms of the local dandies failed to make her laugh;the steepness of the declivity beside which she was standing caused her no alarm,although the other ladies uttered shrill cries and shut their eyes.
On the way back,I did not renew our melan-choly conversation,but to my idle questions and jests she gave short and absent-minded answers.
"Have you ever been in love?"I asked her at length.
She looked at me intently,shook her head and again fell into a reverie.It was evident that she was wishing to say something,but did not know how to begin.Her breast heaved...And,indeed,that was but natural!A muslin sleeve is a weak protection,and an electric spark was running from my arm to hers.Almost all passions have their beginning in that way,and frequently we are very much deceived in thinking that a woman loves us for our moral and physical merits;of course,these prepare and predispose the heart for the reception of the holy flame,but for all that it is the first touch that decides the matter.
"I have been very amiable to-day,have I not?"Princess Mary said to me,with a forced smile,when we had returned from the walk.
We separated.
She is dissatisfied with herself.She accuses herself of coldness...Oh,that is the first,the chief triumph!
To-morrow,she will be feeling a desire to recompense me.I know the whole proceeding by heart already --that is what is so tiresome!
CHAPTER IX
12th June.
I HAVE seen Vera to-day.She has begun to plague me with her jealousy.Princess Mary has taken it into her head,it seems,to confide the secrets of her heart to Vera:a happy choice,it must be confessed!
"I can guess what all this is leading to,"said Vera to me."You had better simply tell me at once that you are in love with her.""But supposing I am not in love with her?""Then why run after her,disturb her,agitate her imagination!...Oh,I know you well!
Listen --if you wish me to believe you,come to Kislovodsk in a week's time;we shall be moving thither the day after to-morrow.Princess Mary will remain here longer.Engage lodgings next door to us.We shall be living in the large house near the spring,on the mezzanine floor.Princess Ligovski will be below us,and next door there is a house belonging to the same landlord,which has not yet been taken...Will you come?"...
I gave my promise,and this very same day Ihave sent to engage the lodgings.
Grushnitski came to me at six o'clock and announced that his uniform would be ready to-morrow,just in time for him to go to the ball in it.
"At last I shall dance with her the whole evening through...And then I shall talk to my heart's content,"he added.
"When is the ball?"