第56章 THE THIRD EXTRACT FROM PECHORIN'S DIARYPRINCESS MA
"Very well!"I said to the captain."If so,then you and I shall fight on the same terms"...
He came to a dead stop.
Grushnitski stood with his head sunk on his breast,embarrassed and gloomy.
"Let them be!"he said at length to the cap-tain,who was going to pull my pistol out of the doctor's hands."You know yourself that they are right."In vain the captain made various signs to him.
Grushnitski would not even look.
Meanwhile the doctor had loaded the pistol and handed it to me.On seeing that,the captain spat and stamped his foot.
"You are a fool,then,my friend,"he said:"a common fool!...You trusted to me before,so you should obey me in everything now...But serve you right!Die like a fly!"...
He turned away,muttering as he went:
"But all the same it is absolutely against the rules.""Grushnitski!"I said."There is still time:
recant your slander,and I will forgive you every-thing.You have not succeeded in making a fool of me;my self-esteem is satisfied.Remem-ber --we were once friends"...
His face flamed,his eyes flashed.
"Fire!"he answered."I despise myself and I hate you.If you do not kill me I will lie in wait for you some night and cut your throat.
There is not room on the earth for both of us"...
I fired.
When the smoke had cleared away,Grushnitski was not to be seen on the ledge.Only a slender column of dust was still eddying at the edge of the precipice.
There was a simultaneous cry from the rest.
"Finita la commedia!"I said to the doctor.
He made no answer,and turned away with horror.
I shrugged my shoulders and bowed to Grush-nitski's seconds.
CHAPTER XXI
AS I descended by the path,I observed Grush-nitski's bloodstained corpse between the clefts of the rocks.Involuntarily,I closed my eyes.
Untying my horse,I set off home at a walking pace.A stone lay upon my heart.To my eyes the sun seemed dim,its beams were powerless to warm me.
I did not ride up to the village,but turned to the right,along the gorge.The sight of a man would have been painful to me:I wanted to be alone.Throwing down the bridle and letting my head fall on my breast,I rode for a long time,and at length found myself in a spot with which I was wholly unfamiliar.I turned my horse back and began to search for the road.The sun had al-ready set by the time I had ridden up to Kislo-vodsk --myself and my horse both utterly spent!
My servant told me that Werner had called,and he handed me two notes:one from Werner,the other ...from Vera.
I opened the first;its contents were as follows:
"Everything has been arranged as well as could be;the mutilated body has been brought in;and the bullet extracted from the breast.Every-body is convinced that the cause of death was an unfortunate accident;only the Commandant,who was doubtless aware of your quarrel,shook his head,but he said nothing.There are no proofs at all against you,and you may sleep in peace ...if you can....Farewell!"...
For a long time I could not make up my mind to open the second note...What could it be that she was writing to me?...My soul was agitated by a painful foreboding.
Here it is,that letter,each word of which is indelibly engraved upon my memory:
"I am writing to you in the full assurance that we shall never see each other again.A few years ago on parting with you I thought the same.
However,it has been Heaven's will to try me a second time:I have not been able to endure the trial,my frail heart has again submitted to the well-known voice...You will not despise me for that --will you?This letter will be at once a farewell and a confession:I am obliged to tell you everything that has been treasured up in my heart since it began to love you.I will not accuse you --you have acted towards me as any other man would have acted;you have loved me as a chattel,as a source of joys,disquietudes and griefs,interchanging one with the other,without which life would be dull and monotonous.Ihave understood all that from the first...But you were unhappy,and I have sacrificed myself,hoping that,some time,you would appreciate my sacrifice,that some time you would understand my deep tenderness,unfettered by any condi-tions.A long time has elapsed since then:Ihave fathomed all the secrets of your soul...
and I have convinced myself that my hope was vain.It has been a bitter blow to me!But my love has been grafted with my soul;it has grown dark,but has not been extinguished.
"We are parting for ever;yet you may be sure that I shall never love another.Upon you my soul has exhausted all its treasures,its tears,its hopes.She who has once loved you cannot look without a certain disdain upon other men,not because you have been better than they,oh,no!but in your nature there is something pecu-liar --belonging to you alone,something proud and mysterious;in your voice,whatever the words spoken,there is an invincible power.No one can so constantly wish to be loved,in no one is wickedness ever so attractive,no one's glance promises so much bliss,no one can better make use of his advantages,and no one can be so truly unhappy as you,because no one endeavours so earnestly to convince himself of the contrary.
"Now I must explain the cause of my hurried departure;it will seem of little importance to you,because it concerns me alone.