第208章
"Armadale counts for nothing in the perplexities that are now torturing me. It is Midwinter who makes me hesitate. Can I take the first of those three steps that lead me to the end, without the common caution of looking at consequences? Can I marry Midwinter, without knowing beforehand how to meet the obstacle of my husband, when the time comes which transforms me from the living Armadale's wife to the dead Armadale's widow?
"Why can't I think of it, when I know I _must_ think of it? Why can't I look at it as steadily as I have looked at all the rest?
I feel his kisses on my lips; I feel his tears on my bosom; Ifeel his arms round me again. He is far away in London; and yet, he is here and won't let me think of it!
"Why can't I wait a little? Why can't I let Time help me? Time?
It's Saturday! What need is there to think of it, unless I like?
There is no post to London to-day. I _must_ wait. If I posted the letter, it wouldn't go. Besides, to- morrow I may hear from Mrs.
Oldershaw. I ought to wait to hear from Mrs. Oldershaw. I can't consider myself a free woman till I know what Mrs. Oldershaw means to do. There is a necessity for waiting till to-morrow. Ishall take my bonnet off, and lock the letter up in my desk.
"Sunday morning.--There is no resisting it! One after another the circumstances crowd on me. They come thicker and thicker, and they all force me one way.
"I have got Mother Oldershaw's answer. The wretch fawns on me, and cringes to me. I can see, as plainly as if she had acknowledged it, that she suspects me of seeing my own way to success at Thorpe Ambrose without her assistance . Having found threatening me useless, she tries coaxing me now. I am her darling Lydia again! She is quite shocked that I could imagine she ever really intended to arrest her bosom friend; and she has only to entreat me, as a favor to herself, to renew the bill!
"I say once more, no mortal creature could resist it! Time after time I have tried to escape the temptation; and time after time the circumstances drive me back again. I can struggle no longer.
The post that takes the letters to-night shall take my letter to Midwinter among the rest.
"To-night! If I give myself till to-night, something else may happen. If I give myself till to-night, I may hesitate again. I'm weary of the torture of hesitating. I must and will have relief in the present, cost what it may in the future. My letter to Midwinter will drive me mad if I see it staring and staring at me in my desk any longer. I can post it in ten minutes' time--and Iwill!
"It is done. The first of the three steps that lead me to the end is a step taken. My mind is quieter--the letter is in the post.
"By to-morrow Midwinter will receive it. Before the end of the week Armadale must be publicly seen to leave Thorpe Ambrose; and I must be publicly seen to leave with him.
"Have I looked at the consequences of my marriage to Midwinter?
No! Do I know how to meet the obstacle of my husband, when the time comes which transforms me from the living Armadale's wife to the dead Armadale's widow?
"No! When the time comes, I must meet the obstacle as I best may.
I am going blindfold, then--so far as Midwinter is concerned--into this frightful risk? Yes; blindfold. Am I out of my senses? Very likely. Or am I a little too fond of him to look the thing in the face? I dare say. Who cares?
"I won't, I won't, I won't think of it! Haven't I a will of my own? And can't I think, if I like, of something else?
"Here is Mother Jezebel's cringing letter. _That_ is something else to think of. I'll answer it. I am in a fine humor for writing to Mother Jezebel.
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_Conclusion of Miss Gwilt's Letter to Mrs. Oldershaw._".... I told you, when I broke off, that I would wait before Ifinished this, and ask my Diary if I could safely tell you what Ihave now got it in my mind to do. Well, I have asked; and my Diary says, 'Don't tell her!' Under these circumstances I close my letter--with my best excuses for leaving you in the dark.
"I shall probably be in London before long--and I may tell you by word of mouth what I don't think it safe to write here. Mind, Imake no promise! It all depends on how I feel toward you at the time. I don't doubt your discretion; but (under certain circumstances) I am not so sure of your courage. L. G.""P. S.--My best thanks for your permission to renew the bill. Idecline profiting by the proposal. The money will be ready when the money is due. I have a friend now in London who will pay it if I ask him. Do you wonder who the friend is? You will wonder at one or two other things, Mrs. Oldershaw, before many weeks more are over your head and mine."