第38章 BICKERSTAFF CENSOR:--CASES IN COURT.(4)

The next who appeared was a hale old fellow of sixty.He was brought in by his relations,who desired leave to bury him.Upon requiring a distinct account of the prisoner,a credible witness deposed,"that he always rose at ten of the clock,played with his cat till twelve,smoked tobacco till one,was at dinner till two,then took another pipe,played at backgammon till six,talked of one Madame Frances,an old mistress of his,till eight,repeated the same account at the tavern till ten,then returned home,took the other pipe,and then to bed."I asked him,"what he had to say for himself?"--"As to what,"said he,"they mention concerning Madame Frances--"I did not care for hearing a Canterbury tale,and,therefore,thought myself seasonably interrupted by a young gentleman,who appeared in the behalf of the old man,and prayed an arrest of judgment;"for that he,the said young man,held certain lands by his the said old man's life."Upon this,the solicitor of the Upholders took an occasion to demand him also,and thereupon produced several evidences that witnessed to his life and conversation.It appeared that each of them divided their hours in matters of equal moment and importance to themselves and to the public.They rose at the same hour:while the old man was playing with his cat,the young one was looking out of his window;while the old man was smoking his pipe,the young man was rubbing his teeth;while one was at dinner,the other was dressing;while one was at backgammon,the other was at dinner;while the old fellow was talking of Madame Frances,the young one was either at play,or toasting women whom he never conversed with.The only difference was,that the young man had never been good for anything;the old man a man of worth before he know Madame Frances.Upon the whole,I ordered them to be both interred together,with inions proper to their characters,signifying,that the old man died in the year 1689,and was buried in the year 17O9;and over the young one it was said,that he departed this world in the twenty-fifth year of his death.

The next class of criminals were authors in prose and verse.Those of them who had produced any stillborn work were immediately dismissed to their burial,and were followed by others,who notwithstanding some sprightly issue in their lifetime,had given proofs of their death,by some posthumous children,that bore no resemblance to their elder brethren.As for those who were the fathers of a mixed progeny,provided always they could prove the last to be a live child,they escaped with life,but not without loss of limbs;for,in this case,I was satisfied with amputation of the parts which were mortified.

These were followed by a great crowd of superannuated benchers of the Inns of Court,senior fellows of colleges,and defunct statesmen:all whom I ordered to be decimated indifferently,allowing the rest a reprieve for one year,with a promise of a free pardon in case of resuscitation.

There were still great multitudes to be examined;but,finding it very late,I adjourned the court,not without the secret pleasure that I had done my duty,and furnished out a handsome execution.

Haymarket,December 23.

Whereas the gentleman that behaved himself in a very disobedient and obstinate manner at his late trial in Sheer Lane on the twentieth instant,and was carried off dead upon taking away of his snuff-box,remains still unburied;the company of Upholders,not knowing otherwise how they should be paid,have taken his goods in execution to defray the charge of his funeral.His said effects are to be exposed to sale by auction,at their office in the Haymarket,on the fourth of January next,and are as follow:--A very rich tweezer-case,containing twelve instruments for the use of each hour in the day.

Four pounds of scented snuff,with three gilt snuff-boxes;one of them with an invisible hinge,and a looking-glass in the lid.

Two more of ivory,with the portraitures on their lids of two ladies of the town;the originals to be seen every night in the side-boxes of the playhouse.

A sword with a steel diamond hilt,never drawn but once at May-fair.

Six clean packs of cards,a quart of orange-flower-water,a pair of French scissors,a toothpick-case,and an eyebrow brush.

A large glass-case,containing the linen and clothes of the deceased;among which are,two embroidered suits,a pocket perspective,a dozen pair of RED-HEELED SHOES,three pair of REDSILK STOCKINGS,and an amber-headed cane.

The strong box of the deceased,wherein were found five billet-doux,a Bath shilling,a crooked sixpence,a silk garter,a lock of hair,and three broken fans.

A press for books;containing on the upper shelf--Three bottles of diet-drink.

Two boxes of pills.

A syringe,and other mathematical instruments.

On the second shelf are several miscellaneous works,as Lampoons.

Plays.

Tailors'bills.

And an almanack for the year seventeen hundred.

On the third shelf--

A bundle of letters unopened,indorsed,in the hand of the deceased,"Letters from the old Gentleman."Lessons for the flute.

Toland's "Christianity not mysterious;"and a paper filled with patterns of several fashionable stuffs.

On the lowest shelf--

One shoe.

A pair of snuffers.

A French grammar.

A mourning hat-band;and half a bottle of usquebaugh.

There will be added to these goods,to make a complete auction,a collection of gold snuff-boxes and clouded canes,which are to continue in fashion for three months after the sale.

The whole are to be set up and prized by Charles Bubbleboy,who is to open the auction with a speech.