第24章

It was somehow cancelled.All the great words，it seemed to Connie，were cancelled for her generation：love，joy，happiness，home，mother，father，husband，all these great，dynamic words were half dead now，and dying from day to day.Home was a place you lived in，love was a thing you didn't fool yourself about，joy was a word you applied to a good Charleston，happiness was a term of hypocrisy used to bluff other people，a father was an individual who enjoyed his own existence，a husband was a man you lived with and kept going in spirits.As for sex，the last of the great words，it was just a cocktail term for an excitement that bucked you up for a while，then left you more raggy than ever.Frayed！It was as if the very material you were made of was cheap stuff，and was fraying out to nothing.

All that really remained was a stubborn stoicism：and in that there was a certain pleasure.In the very experience of the nothingness of life，phase after phase，étape after étape ，there was a certain grisly satisfaction.So that's that ！Always this was the last utterance：home，love，marriage，Michaelis：So that's that ！

And when one died，the last words to life would be：So that's that ！

Money？Perhaps one couldn't say the same there.Money one always wanted.

Money，Success，the bitch-goddess，as Tommy Dukes persisted in calling it，after Henry James，that was a permanent necessity.You couldn't spend your last sou，and say finally：So that's that ！No，if you lived even another ten minutes，you wanted a few more sous for something or other.

Just to keep the business mechanically going，you needed money.You had to have it.Money you have to have.You needn't really have anything else.So that's that！

Since，of course，it's not your own fault you are alive.Once you are alive，money is a necessity，and the only absolute necessity.All the rest you can get along without，at a pinch.But not money.Emphatically，that's that ！

She thought of Michaelis，and the money she might have had with him；and even that she didn't want.She preferred the lesser amount which she helped Clifford to make by his writing.That she actually helped to make.--'Clifford and I together，we make twelve hundred a year out of writing'；so she put it to herself.Make money！Make it！Out of nowhere.Wring it out of the thin air！The last feat to be humanly proud of！The rest all-my-eye-Betty-Martin.

So she plodded home to Clifford，to join forces with him again，to make another story out of nothingness：and a story meant money.Clifford seemed to care very much whether his stories were considered first-class literature or not.Strictly，she didn't care.Nothing in it！said her father.Twelve hundred pounds last year！was the retort simple and final.

If you were young，you just set your teeth，and bit on and held on，till the money began to flow from the invisible；it was a question of power.

It was a question of will；a subtle，subtle，powerful emanation of will out of yourself brought back to you the mysterious nothingness of money a word on a bit of paper.It was a sort of magic，certainly it was triumph.

The bitch-goddess！Well，if one had to prostitute oneself，let it be to a bitch-goddess！One could always despise her even while one prostituted oneself to her，which was good.

Clifford，of course，had still many childish taboos and fetishes.He wanted to be thought 'really good'，which was all cock-a-hoopy nonsense.

What was really good was what actually caught on.It was no good being really good and getting left with it.It seemed as if most of the 'really good'men just missed the bus.After all you only lived one life，and if you missed the bus，you were just left on the pavement，along with the rest of the failures.

Connie was contemplating a winter in London with Clifford，next winter.

He and she had caught the bus all right，so they might as well ride on top for a bit，and show it.

The worst of it was，Clifford tended to become vague，absent，and to fall into fits of vacant depression.It was the wound to his psyche coming out.But it made Connie want to scream.Oh God，if the mechanism of the consciousness itself was going to go wrong，then what was one to do？Hang it all，one did one's bit！Was one to be let down absolutely ？

Sometimes she wept bitterly，but even as she wept she was saying to herself：Silly fool，wetting hankies！As if that would get you anywhere！

Since Michaelis，she had made up her mind she wanted nothing.That seemed the simplest solution of the otherwise insoluble.She wanted nothing more than what she'd got；only she wanted to get ahead with what she'd got：

Clifford，the stories，Wragby，the Lady-Chatterley business，money and fame，such as it was...she wanted to go ahead with it all.Love，sex，all that sort of stuff，just water-ices！Lick it up and forget it.If you don't hang on to it in your mind，it's nothing.Sex especially...nothing！Make up your mind to it，and you've solved the problem.Sex and a cocktail：

they both lasted about as long，had the same effect，and amounted to about the same thing.

But a child，a baby！That was still one of the sensations.She would venture very gingerly on that experiment.There was the man to consider，and it was curious，there wasn't a man in the world whose children you wanted.Mick's children！Repulsive thought！As lief have a child to a rabbit！

Tommy Dukes？he was very nice，but somehow you couldn't associate him with a baby，another generation.He ended in himself.And out of all the rest of Clifford's pretty wide acquaintance，there was not a man who did not rouse her contempt，when she thought of having a child by him.There were several who would have been quite possible as lover，even Mick.But to let them breed a child on you！Ugh！Humiliation and abomination.

So that was that！

Nevertheless，Connie had the child at the back of her mind.Wait！wait！