第5章 浪漫满怀——英文笑话集

上篇 浪漫满怀

1.A History Teacher

A history teacher and his wife were sitting at the table.

The wife asked."Anything new at work."

He replied."No, I am teaching history."

一位历史老师

一位历史老师和他的妻子在吃饭。

妻子问到：“工作上有什么新鲜事。”

丈夫回答说：“没有，我是教历史。”

2.Where Are the Alps

My husband was absorbed in his favorite TV program when our young son went to ask him about a homework problem."Dad,"he said."where are the Alps."

"Ask your mother,"came the reply."she puts everything away."

阿尔卑斯山在哪里

丈夫正聚精会神地看着他最喜爱的电视节目，这时我们的小儿子走过去问他一道作业题。“爸。”他说，“阿尔卑斯山在哪。”

“问你妈妈。”他回答说，“东西都是她收。”

3.Nearsightedness

A nearsighted man lost his hat in a strong wind. He gave chase. A woman screamed from a nearby farmhouse.

"What are you doing there."

"Getting my hat."he replied.

"Your hat."exclaimed the woman."That'.our little black hen you'.e chasing."

近视

一阵大风把一个近视的男人帽子掀掉了。他拔腿追赶起来。一个女人在不远处的一座农舍尖声嚷道：“你在那里做什。”

“追我的帽子。”他回答说。

“你的帽。”妇女尖叫道，“你追的是我们家的小黑母。”

4.What Is a Traitor

Young hopeful: Father, what is a traitor in politics？

Father（a veteran politician）: A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.

Young hopeful: Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？

Father: A convertite, my son.

什么叫叛徒

有希望的青年人：父亲，什么叫政治叛徒？

父亲（一位老资格的政治家）：叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人。

有希望的青年人：那么，离开他的党而加入到你那个党的人又叫什么呢？

父亲：叫改变信仰者，我的儿子。

5.I Am Afraid of That Too

After some laborious hours at her painting, she rose and called her husband, a famous painter.

"Come and look at my picture, dear. I'.satisfied with the result that I'.afraid that people will mistake it for your work."

After a careful study of the painting, the artist replied."I'.afraid of that too."

我也担心这个

连续几个小时埋头作画之后，她起身对身为著名画家的丈夫喊道：“亲爱的，过来看看我这幅画。我对这幅作品非常满意，有点担心别人会误认为是你的作。”

艺术家仔细看过妻子的画后回答说：“这个我也有点担。”

6.Piano

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check‐in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to his wife."Why didn't you bring the piano too."

"Are you trying to be funny."she replied.

"No,"he sighed."I left the tickets on it."

钢琴

搬运工肩扛手提大箱小包，跟着一对夫妇去到航班登记处。

当他们接近队列时，丈夫朝一堆行李看了一眼，对妻子说：“为什么没把钢琴也带。”

“你是在开玩笑。”她反问道。

“。”他叹道，“我把机票放在钢琴上。”

7.Meeting My Wife

Two friends were having lunch at a cafe in New York'.Grand Central Terminal. They noticed a man sitting alone at an adjoining table. When the waitress approached him, they overheard her ask,"Are you waiting to be joined by a tall, slim girl with long, blond hair."

He answered."In the larger scheme of life, yes.But today I'.meeting my wife."

等我太太

两个朋友在纽约市中心汽车站的咖啡厅共进午餐，注意到有个男人独坐在邻桌。当女服务员走过来时，两个人听到她问：

“你是在等一位身材细高、金发长长的女孩。”

那人回答说：“从人生长远计划来说，是这样。但今天，我是在等我的太。”

8.Traffic Jam

On a beautiful October day, my husband and I were taking a drive through the Georgian mountains. When traffic slowed to a snail'.pace, we assumed there was road construction or on an accident ahead.

My husband reached for the CB radio and asked."Can anyone tell me when traffic returns to normal."

Came the reply."When the leaves are gone."

堵车事件

一个美丽的10月天，我和丈夫驱车穿过乔治亚山。当车速减慢像蜗牛一样爬行时，我们猜测到前面要么是正在修路，要么就是出了车祸。

丈夫伸手去拿对讲机问道：“谁能告诉我什么时候交通能恢复正。”

对方回话说：“树叶掉光的时。”

9.I Beg Your Pardon

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer."What a terrible voice."he said."Do you know who she is."

"Yes."was the answer."She is my wife."

"Oh, I beg your pardon."The man said."Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song."

"I did."was the answer.

请原谅

一位女士正在唱歌。一位客人转身对他旁边的男士批评这个唱歌的人。“多难听的嗓。”他说，“你知道她是谁。”

“知。”男士回答，“她是我太。”

“噢，请你原。”客人说，“当然，她的嗓音并不坏，但那歌实在太差了。我想知道那是谁写的。”

“是。”男士回答道。

10.Want to Switch Seats

Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion.

On the morning of our 25th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted."Honey, do you realize that we'.e been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 25 years."

Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said."So, you want to switch seats."

换位子

结婚已经很长时间了，丈夫有时需要稍微提醒才能想起某个特殊日子。

在结婚二十五周年纪念日的早上，我们坐在早餐桌旁。这时，我暗示说：“亲爱的，你有没有意识到我们在这两个位子上已经坐了整整二十五。”

他放下报纸，眼睛直视着我说：“这么说，你想换换位。”

11.Which Is Which

A few years ago, there were quite a number of hippies walking on the streets in America. One day, a man met up with two of them, one older and the other younger.

He said to the elder of the two."Pardon me. May I ask you a question？ Is this your son or daughter."

"This is my daughter."replied the senior hippie.

"I have another question."continued the curious stranger."Are you her father or her mother."

雌雄难辨

几十年前，在美国的大街上可以看到很多嬉皮士。一天，一个人就遇到了两个嬉皮士，一老一少。

他问年长的那个：“您好，能问个问题吗？这是您儿子还是女儿。”

“这是我女。”年长的嬉皮士回答说。

“我还有一个问。”这个人好奇地追问道，“那么你是她爸爸，还是她妈。”

12.Gift

Sam had always been a good husband and a wonderful provider.

Every anniversary he gave his wife Helen a gift, but it was always practical: shoes, stockings, a lamp, a vase—never anything sentimental.

Now, after being married for forty years, Sam had made a lot of money, and Helen felt he could afford something nice like a mink coat. But this year, again being practical, he bought her a cemetery and a beautiful coffin.

礼物

萨姆是一位好丈夫，非常善于赚钱养家。

每年的结婚纪念日，他都要送给妻子海伦一件礼物，礼物总是非常实用：一双鞋子、一双袜子、一盏灯、一只花瓶——从来没送过浪漫花哨的礼物。

如今，结婚四十年后，萨姆已经腰缠万贯，海伦觉得现在他可以买得起一些像貂皮大衣那样的漂亮礼物了。但今年的礼物还是非常实用：他给她买了一块墓地和一副漂亮棺材。

13.Middle‐aged Woman

It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City'.Grand Central Terminal. As I neared the gate, a plump, middle‐aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes.

Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said."Do you always have beautiful women falling at your feet."

中年妇女

上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口时，一个肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失足仰面滑倒。惯性使她滑到了我的脚边。

我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眼，说：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下。”

14.Swimming Pool

After a 12‐hour drive to our honeymoon destination, Diana Beach, my husband and I decided to refresh ourselves with a dip in the motel pool.

Later we dressed for dinner and went down to the motel restaurant. Waiting for a table, we sat in the lounge and ordered drinks. Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening tank.

Curious, my husband asked."Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty."

The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he replied."That'.not a fish tank. It'.swimming pool."

游泳池

经过12小时驱车旅行后，我们到达了度蜜月的目的地——戴安娜海滩。我和丈夫决定到汽车旅馆的游泳池里泡上一阵，消除一下疲劳。

随后，我们穿上衣服，下到汽车旅馆的餐厅准备吃饭。我们坐在那里的一张桌边要了饮料。酒吧上方有一个硕大无比、闪闪发光的空池。

我的丈夫感到好奇，就问道：“为什么这样漂亮的鱼缸是空。”

酒吧招待咧嘴笑着回答说：“那不是鱼缸，是游泳。”

15.Old Habit

Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress—only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad all unusual personal safe—A can of spray paint with a false bottom so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.

"Oh, yes."she replied."he put his money in it the same day."

"No burglar would think to look on the work shelf."I gloated.

"They won't have to."my mom replied."He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer."

老习惯

我父亲是很守旧的人，旧时人们都把钱藏在床垫底下，只不过他把钱放在装内衣的抽屉里。一天我给他买了一个特别的私人保险狗——一个喷漆罐，它的底是假的。这样他就可以把钱放在工作的地方了。后来我问母亲父亲有没有用它。

“哦，用。”她回答说，“他当天就把钱放进去。”

“小偷肯定不会去看工作架。”我得意洋洋地说。

“他们根本没必要去。”我母亲回答说，“你父亲把喷漆罐放在了装内衣的抽屉里。”

16.Get the Cat Out First

"Doctor, doctor."said the panic‐stricken woman."My husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he'.swallowed a mouse! What shall I do."

"Quite simple."said the doctor calmly."You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite‐haul it out."

"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'.l go round to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head."

"What do you want a cod's head for."

"Oh I forgot to tell gou, I'.e got to get the cat out first."

先把猫弄出来

“医生，医。”一位惊慌失措的妇女叫着，“我的丈夫张着嘴睡觉，把一只老鼠给吞下去了！我该怎么办。”

“很简。”医生冷静地说，“你把一小块干酪系在绳子上，吊到你丈夫的嘴里。只要老鼠一咬，就把老鼠给拉出。”

“哦，我明白了。医生，谢谢你。我立刻就去卖鱼的那里弄一个鱼。”

“鱼头有什么。”

“哦，我忘了跟你说，我得先把猫弄出。”

17.So Am I

Frequent hand‐washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh Alaskan weather combined to give me very dry skin. One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with a pair of old white gloves.

As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room. Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and began putting it on."What are you doing."I asked.

"Well,"he replied."if you'.e going to be formal, so am I."

我也想这样

身为一名医药技师，我在工作中需要频繁洗手，加上阿拉斯加的恶劣天气，使我的皮肤非常干燥。一天夜里，准备睡觉时，我用凡士林油搓了搓手，并戴上一双白色旧手套。

我坐在床上戴着手套读书时，丈夫洗完澡，走了进来。他擦干身子，走到壁橱选了一条领带，开始打起了领带。“你在干什。”我问。

“。”他回答说，“如果你想合乎礼仪，我也想这。”

18.Pick Out Your Husband

Seven men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two‐story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in an upstairs window.

The spokesman for the group yelled up."Is this where Mr. Tommy lives."

"Yes, it is. What do you want."

"Are you Mrs. Tommy."

"I am Mrs. Tommy. What do you want."

"Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Tommy so the rest of us can go home."

领回你丈夫

大约凌晨一点钟，七个已经神志不清的人在街上踉踉跄跄地走着。他们大声地笑着、唱着，来到了一座两层的楼门前。其中一个人费力地走到门口，连续地按着门铃。只见楼上有个窗户的灯亮了。

这位代表大声说道：“汤米先生是住这儿。”

“是啊，你想干。”

“你是汤米太太。”

“我是啊，你想干。”

“你能下来一下，把你丈夫领回去吗？我们好回家。”

19.Early Precaution

There was an American couple who had no children, so they wanted to adopt a child. Finally, an orphanage contacted them and said."We have a baby for adoption. It'.a Russian orphan."

The couple was delighted and went to bring the baby home.

On the way home, they stopped by a university to enroll in a Russian course.

"Why do you want to learn Russian？ The English that we speak is a very good language."the university secretary asked.

"Well, we just adopted a Russian baby. When he begins to speak Russian in a few years, we are afraid that we might not be able to understand him."the couple replied.

未雨绸缪

有一对美国夫妇没有孩子，想领养个小孩。终于有一家孤儿院通知他们说：“我们现在有一个婴儿可以让你们收养，是个俄国孤。”

他们很高兴地去把婴儿抱了回去。

在回家的路上，他们来到一所大学，想要报名学俄语。

学校里的秘书问：“你们为什么要学俄语呢？我们的英语是很好的语言。”

这对美国夫妻说：“因为我们刚刚领养了一个俄国婴儿，几年后等他开口讲俄语时，我们怕听不。”

20.Strip Off and Streak

Two elderly women in a nursing home were interested in two elderly gentlemen, living in the same home, but try as they might, they couldn't get attention of the men. Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea."Why don't we strip off our clothes, and streak past them in the TV room."The second woman agreed that this might work.

The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way.

One man turned to the other and said."Joe, was that Mary that just ran past us."The other one said."I think so, but what the hell was she wearing."

The first one said."I don't know, but it sure needs ironing."

裸奔

一家养老院的两个老妇人对同住在这里的两个老绅士很感兴趣。但是无论她们用什么方法，始终不能引起他们的注意。后来，其中的一个老妇人想出一个绝妙的主意：“我们何不脱光衣服，在电视室里从他们前面裸奔过去。”另一个老妇也认为这个办法有可能会管用。

第二天，她们鼓起全部勇气，脱光了衣服，以最快的速度从那两个老男人面前狂奔过去，一边跑还一边咯咯地笑着。

其中一个老男人转过头对另一个说：“乔，刚才从我们面前跑过的是玛丽。”另一个回答说：“我想是的，但是她身上穿的是什么鬼东。”

第一个人说：“不知道，但是那衣服肯定该熨一熨。”

21.Canadian Winter

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. Now the widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day her son came into her room holding a letter."I just got some news, Mom."he said."The govement has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They have decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think."

His mother said."Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters."

加拿大的冬天

有位老人居住在加拿大的一个小村庄里，这个村庄与美国的北达科他州边境仅有几码的距离。很多年来美国和加拿大一直对这个地方的归属存有争议。这个寡妇现在和她的儿子及三个孙子住在一起。

一天，老妇人的儿子手里拿着一封信走进她的房间里。“妈妈，我刚刚得知一个消。”他说，“加拿大政府和北达科他州已经达成协议，他们决定把我们这个地方划给美国。而且我们有权利反对这个协议。您有什么看。”

他妈妈说：“签字，马上打电话告诉他们，我们接受协议！我再也无法忍受这该死的冬天。”

22.Dropped a Piece of Candy

The show was on. It was a very exciting western with the hero fighting a group of horse thieves single‐handed. Bullets were flying in every direction.

An elderly lady suddenly exclaimed."Oh, my God."and bent down right and left, felling the floor with her hands."Excuse me...excuse...me."she kept repeating to the people sitting beside her."Excuse me, please. I'.e dropped a piece of candy I was chewing."

"A piece of candy."grunted an irritated man in the seat next to her."Why don't you sit still, granny. You certainly aren't going to pick it up and put it back in your mouth, are you."

"Oh, no."replied the old lady firmly.

"Then why bother."grumbled the impatient man.

"Because."said the old lady as she continued to fumble in the dark,"because my teeth are stuck in it."

掉了一块糖

电影已经开演了，是一部激动人心的美国西部片，主人公正单枪匹马同一群窃马贼打斗，子弹到处飞着。

一位上了年纪的妇女突然叫起来：“哎呀，我的上。”说着就弯下腰去，一会儿朝左，一会儿朝右，用手摸着地板。“对不起，对不起。”她不断地对坐在她身边的观众说，“实在对不起。我嘴里嚼的一块糖掉。”

“一块。”坐在旁边座位上一位被她惹气了的人不高兴地说，“您干吗不好好地坐着。您总不会把糖拣起来再吃到嘴里去。”

“当然不。”老太太坚定地说。

“那为什么找这个麻。”那不耐烦的人嘟哝说。

“因为。”老太太一边继续在黑暗中用手瞎摸，一边说，“……因为我的（假）牙齿粘在那糖上。”

23.The Secret

A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life."My wife makes all the small decisions,"he explained."and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other'.business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."

"That sounds reasonable."answered his friend."And what sort of decisions does your wife make."

"Well,"answered the man."she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays and things like that."

His friend was surprised."Oh,"he replied."and what do you consider important decisions then."

"Well,"answered the man."I decide who should be the Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."

秘诀

一个男人正在对朋友叙述他的幸福婚姻生活的秘诀。“我的妻子对所有的小事作决。”他解释说，“而我对所有的大事作决定。所以，我们谁也不妨碍谁，从不相互生气。我们不抱怨，也不争。”

“听起来有道。”他的朋友回答说，“那你的妻子作哪些决。”

“。”那人说，“她决定我申请什么工作、我们住什么房子、我们买什么家具、我们去什么地方度假等。”

他的朋友非常吃惊。“。”他回答说，“那你又作哪些重大决定。”

“。”那人答道，“我决定谁应该成为首相、我们是否对贫困国家增加援助、我们对原子弹应该做些什么等。”

24.False Advertising

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was."When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant."She sat under an advertisement which rea."Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twin.", then she moved under one that read."Sloane Liniments Remove Swellin.". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which rea."William Stick Did The Tric.". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read."Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

误导广告

一天，一位身孕好几个月的少妇上了一辆公交车。这时她看到一个年轻人在冲她笑，想到自己挺着一个大肚子，感到受到了侮辱。于是她换了一个座位，但那个年轻人似乎更乐了。她又换了一个座位，当她换到第四个座位的时候那个年轻人突然间哈哈大笑起来。这位少妇忍无可忍，结果她叫警察把他抓了起来。

当他们对峙公堂的时候，法官问那个年轻人为什么会有如此不礼貌的举动。那个年轻人说：“这位妇人一上车我就注意到她已经有了身孕。她坐在了一个广告下面，这个广告上写着‘金粉双胞胎的时代就要来了’接着她又坐到另一个广告下面，这则广告上写着‘淑女香脂，有效消肿'.当她坐在一个剃须刀广告下面的时候我就更想笑了，这则广告上写着‘威廉姆·迪克的杰作'.最后，当她第四次换座位的时候我就再也控制不住自己了，因为那个座位上面的广告写着邓洛普橡胶可以预防此类事故。”

25.Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. A midwife arrived and proudly announced to the first man."Congratulations, sir. You'.e the father of twins."

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team."

Later the midwife came up and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That'.incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the midwife returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply."I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After this, ever one turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The midwife rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over."I should never have taken that job at 7 Up. I should never have taken that job at 7 Up. I should never have taken that job."

准爸爸们

四位准爸爸在明尼阿波利斯医院的等候室等待妻子生产。一个助产士走过来，高兴地对第一个男人说道：“恭喜您，先生，您喜获双胞。”

“真是太巧了！我正好为明尼苏达双子棒球队工。”

过了一会儿，那个助产士过来祝贺第二个男人得了三胞胎。

“哇！真是不可思议！我在3M公司工。”

一小时后，助产士又过来恭喜第三个男人得了四胞胎。这位父亲吃惊得几乎说不出话来：“我简直不敢相信！我在四季酒店工。”

随后，大家都转向第四个男人，他已经晕过去了，助产士赶紧冲到他身边。当他慢慢恢复了知觉，他们听到他一遍遍地嘟囔着：“我真不该在七喜公司工作，我真不该在七喜公司工作，我真不该。”

26.Not Here

Kathy and Polly were friends, but they liked playing tricks on each other.

One day, Kathy met Polly in the street.She said."Hi, Polly. It'.good to see you."

"How can you see me when I'.not here."Polly asked.

"What do you mean, you'.e not here."Kathy asked."Of course you'.e here."

"No. I'.not."Polly said."And I'.l bet you ten dollars that I can prove I'.not here."

"Alright,"said Kathy."ten dollars. Now prove you'.e not here."

"Easy."Polly said,"Am I in Hong Kong."

"No."said Kathy.

"Am I in London."

"No."said Kathy.

"If I'.not in Hong Kong and I'.not in London."Polly said,"then I must be somewhere else.Right."

"Right."said Kathy."You must be somewhere else."

"Exactly."said Polly."And if I'.somewhere else I can't be here, can I？ Ten dollars, please."

"That'.very clever, Polly,"Kathy said."but I can't give you ten dollars."

"Why not."asked Polly."We had a bet."

"Certainly we had a bet,"Kathy said."but how can I give you ten dollars if you'.e not here."

And with a laugh she walked away.

不在这里

凯斯和波丽是朋友，但她们总爱开对方的玩笑。

一天凯斯在街上遇见了波丽，她说：“嗨，波丽，很高兴见到。”

“我不在这里，你怎么能看到我。”波丽说。

“你说你不在这里，这是什么意。”凯斯问，“你当然在这。”

“不，我不在这。”波丽说，“我和你打10美元的赌，赌我能证明我不在这。”

“。”凯斯说，“10美元。现在证明你不在这里。”

“这很容。”波丽说，“我在香港。”

“不。”凯斯说。

“我在伦敦。”

“不。”凯斯说。

“如果我既不在香港也不在伦。”波丽说，“那我一定在别的地方，对不。”

“。”凯斯说，“你一定在别。”

“对。”波丽说，“既然我在别处，那我一定不在这里，不是吗？请给10美元。”

“真聪明，波。”凯斯说，“但我不能给你10美。”

“为什么不。”波丽问，“我们打过赌。”

“不错，我们打过。”凯斯说，“但既然你不在这里，我怎么能给你10美元。”

说完她笑着离开了。

27.Man in the Closet

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her eight‐year‐old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says."It'.dark in here, isn't it."

"Yes, it is."the man replies."You wanna buy a baseball."the little boy asks.

"No, thanks."the man replies."I think you do want to buy a baseball."the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much."the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty‐five dollars."the little boy replies."Twenty‐five dollars."the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy."It'.dark in here, isn't it."the boy starts off."Yes it is."replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove."the little boy asks."OK. How much."the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage."Fifty dollars,"the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy'.father says."Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'.l play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them,"replies the little boy."How much did you get for them."asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy‐five dollars,"the little boy says."Seventy‐five dollars？! That'.thievery! I'.taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness."the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says."It'.dark in here, isn't it."

"Don't you start that shit in here now."the priest says.

橱子里的男人

一位已婚妇女有了外遇，每次她的情人来了，她就把八岁大的儿子关在橱子里头。有一天，这位太太听见车道有车子的声音，就把她的情人也关进了橱子里。

在橱子里头，小男孩说：“这里头真。”

“对。”这位男子回答。“想不想买个棒球。”小男孩问道。

“不，谢。”男子回答说。“我认为你会想要买个棒球。”这个小勒索鬼接着说。

男子衡量了一下自己的处境之后，回答说：“好吧！多少。”

“25。”

“25。”男子惊讶地重复了一次，不过他还是收敛了一下，以免被发现。

接下来的那个星期，这位情人又来妇女的家，不久又听到车道有车子的声音。妇女又一样地把儿子和情人一起关在橱子里。

“这里头真。”小男孩又开始了。

“对。”男子答道。

“想不想买个棒球套。”小男孩问说。

男子知道自己占下风，就回答说：“好吧！多少。”

“50。”小男孩答道。交易轻松地完成了。

到了周末，小男孩的父亲说：“嘿，儿子啊！去把你的棒球和球套拿来。咱们来玩接。”“不行啊，我把那些东西都卖。”小男孩回答说。“你卖了多少钱。”父亲心想可能儿子只是跟人家换了蜥蜴或糖果之类的东西。

“75。”小男孩答道。

“75块？简直是抢劫嘛！走，跟我到教堂去认罪告。”父亲拉着小男孩边走教训他。

到了教堂，小男孩走进告解室，拉上帘子，坐定之后说：“这里头真。”神父回答说：“在这儿别想跟我来那一。”

中篇 飓疯校园

1.The Plural

Teacher: What'.the plural of man, Jack？

Jack: Men.

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child？

TJack: Twins.

复数形式

老师：“杰克，‘男人'.复数形式是什。”

杰克：“男人。”

老师：“好。那‘孩子'.复数形式。”

杰克：“双胞。”

2.The Difference

Teacher: What'.the difference between electricity and lightning？

Students: You don't have to pay for lightning.

区别

老师：“电和闪电有什么区。”

学生：“闪电不用花。”

3.The Correct Answer

Teacher."Tom, what are the three words which pupils use most often at school."

Tom."I don't know."

Teacher."Correct."

正确答案

老师：“汤姆，学生们在学校最常用的三个字是什。”

汤姆：“不知道。”

老师：“正。”

4.The Lighting

Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice？

Roy: Because after it'.struck once the same place isn't exist.

闪电

老师：“为什么闪电从来不会两次击中同一地。”

罗伊：“因为它击中一个地方一次后，那个地方就不复存在。”

5.Does the Question Beat You

Teacher: Why don't you answer my question, Jenny？ Does my question beat you？

Jenny: Oh no, I understand your question.It is the answer that beats me.

问题难住你了吗

老师：“詹妮，你为什么不回答我的问题？是我的问题把你难住了。”

詹妮：“噢，不是，我明白你的问题。是问题的答案难住了。”

6.Make Mistakes Repeatdly

Teacher: You should learn your lessons from your mistake.

Student: I know that.

Teacher: Why do you make mistakes repeatedly？

Student: I do in this way to learn more lessons.

屡次犯错

老师：“你应该从错误中吸取教。”

学生：“这我知。”

老师：“你为什么屡次再犯。”

学生：“我是为了吸取更多教。”

7.An Essential Correction

Teacher: Abie, why don't you wash your face？ I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.

Abie: What was it？

Teacher: Eggs.

Abie: Wrong, sir.That was yesterday.

实质性的纠正

教师：“阿比，你为什么不洗脸？我都可以看得出你今天早上吃了什么。”

阿比：“我吃了什。”

教师：“鸡。”

阿比：“错了，老师，那是昨天吃。”

8.Great Event

Teacher: What great event happened in 1809？

Horace: Abraham Lincoln was born.

Teacher: Correct, And what great event happened in 1812？

Horace: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.

大事件

老师：“1809年发生了什么大。”

霍拉斯：“亚伯拉罕·林肯出。”

老师：“对。那1812年发生了什么大。”

霍拉斯：“亚伯拉罕·林肯过三岁生。”

9.A Physics Exam

Once in a physics exam, White finished the first question very

soon while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was."When it thunders why do you see the

lightning first, then hear the thunder rolls."

White'.answer was."Because our eyes are before ears."

物理考试

在一次物理考试中，当同学们都在苦思冥想时，怀特很快就

答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：“为什么打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电，后听到雷。”

怀特的回答是：“因为我们的眼睛在前，耳朵在。”

10.The Motto

Teacher: My children, remember this motto."Give others more and leave for yourself less."

Frank: It'.my father'.motto.

Teacher: How noble your father'.quality is!What'.his occupation？

Frank: He is a boxer.

座右铭

老师：孩子们，记住这句座右铭：‘给予别人的要多，留给自己的要少。’

弗兰克：“这是我爸爸的座右。”

老师：“你爸爸的品质是多么高尚！他的职业是什。”

弗兰克：“他是一名拳击。”

11.The Longest And The Shortest

A teacher asked one of his students."What'.the longest and what'.the shortest."

One student answered immediately."The last minutes of a class is the longest while the last minutes of all exam is the shortest."

最长和最短

老师问他的一个学生：“什么最长，什么最。”

一个学生马上答道：“下课前的最后几分钟最长，考试结束前的最后几分钟最。”

12.The Earth'.Shape

"What'.the shape of the earth."asked the teacher of Jim.

Jimy said."It is round."

"How do you know it is round, Jim."

Jim replied."All right, it'.square. I don't want to start an argument about it."

地球的形状

“地球是什么形。”吉姆的老师问道。

吉姆回答说：“是圆。”

“你怎么知道是圆的，吉。”

吉姆回答说：“好吧，是方的。我不想就此引起争。”

13.Can't Go

The Sunday‐school'.eacher: Those who want to go to heaven put up your hands. What about you, Brown？You haven't put up your hand‐won't you go to heaven？

Brown: I can't, because my mother wants me to go home as soon as the class is over.

不能去

主日学校教师：“想去天堂的举起手。你呢，布朗？你还没举手——你不愿去天堂。”

布朗：“我不能去，因为妈妈要我一放学就回。”

14.Make‐up

In class Melissa was looking at a small mirror while combing her hairs and doing her make‐up. The teacher noticed and commented,"You shouldn't do your make‐up while listening to class."

Replied Melissa."But I'.not listening while doing my make‐up."

化妆

课堂内，梅莉莎对着一个小镜子梳头发、化妆。老师发现了，说：“你不应该听课时化。”

梅莉莎回答说：“可我化妆时没听课。”

15.What'.the Biggest in the World

Sal dozed off while his teacher was talking.

Teacher: Sal! Tell us, what'.the biggest in the world？

Sal: Well, well...eyelids...

Teacher: What？ Eyelids？

Sal: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world.

世界上什么最大

老师正在讲课时，萨尔打起了瞌睡。

老师：“萨尔！你说说，世界上什么最。”

萨尔：“呃，呃……眼皮。”

老师：“什么？眼。”

萨尔：“是的，老师。因为我一闭眼，眼皮就把世界上的一切都遮住。”

16.A Physics Exam

Once in a physics exam, Dick finished the first question very soon while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was."When it thunders why do you see the lightning first, then hear the thunder rolls."

Dick'.answer was."Because our eyes are before ears."

物理考试

在一次物理考试中，当同学们都在苦思冥想时，迪克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：“为什么打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电，后听到雷。”

迪克的回答是：“因为我们的眼睛在前，耳朵在。”

17.The Answer

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which？

Student: I cannot point out, but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

答案

老师：“这里有两只鸟，一只是燕子，另一只是麻雀。现在，谁能告诉我们哪只是燕子、哪只是麻。”

学生：“我指不出来，但我知道答。”

老师：“请告诉我。”

学生：“麻雀旁边的是燕子，燕子旁边的是麻。”

18.You Are Stupid

A new teacher is trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She starts her class by saying."Everyone who thinks you'.e stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Angus stood up.

The new teacher asked."Do you think you'.e stupid, Angus."

"No, madam,"he says."but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

你太愚蠢了

一位新老师想运用一下她的心理学知识。

她在刚上课时这样说道：“认为自己愚蠢的同学请起。”

过了几分钟，小安格斯站了起来。

新老师问题道：“安格斯，你觉得自己愚蠢。”

“不是的，老。”他说，“我只是不想让你一个人一直站着罢。”

19.Nest and Hair

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird."my sister asked.

"I didn't see the bird, ma'.m, only the nest."replied the child.

"Then,can you give us a description of the nest."my sister encouraged her.

"Well, ma'.m, it just resembles your hair."

鸟窝与头发

我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外的树上搭了个窝。

“是什么鸟。”我姐姐问她。

“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟。”那孩子回答说。

“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟窝。”我姐姐鼓励她道。

“哦，老师，就像你的头发一。”

20.Your Coat Is on Fire

The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count fifty before saying anything important, and one hundred if it was very important.

The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted:

"Ninety‐eight, ninety‐nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir."

您的大衣着火了

老师为了让学生记住先思考后发言的必要性，告诉他们在说出重要事情之前先数到50。如果是特别重要的事情，要先数到100。

第二天，当老师背靠着火炉讲课时，发现好几个学生的嘴唇在很快地不停地动。突然，全班学生一起喊道：“98，99，100。老师，您的大衣着火。”

21.Alexander the Great

Tim had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation, and the doctor, somewhat nettled, said."Tim, you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subiect. You seem to lack ambition. Why, at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world."

"Yes."said Tim."He couldn't help it, for you will recall the fact, doctor, that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher."

亚历山大大帝

蒂姆作了一次不成功的朗诵，老师有点不悦，对他说道：“蒂姆，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世。”

“是。”蒂姆说，“他没法不那样。博士先生，您回想一下史实，亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德作他的老师。”

22.Rough Draft and Final Draft

As a writing teacher, I never could convince my students of the need to revise. For them, the first draft was the last draft.

Finally, I got through to a few of them by putting a large sign at my office door. It read：

"Well, it'.hard, you know. I can't figure out if I should kill myself or not, you know."Shakespeare'.Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1. Rough draft.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."Final draft.

草稿和终稿

作为一名写作老师，我从来都说服不了学生，让他们明白作文需要修改。对他们来说，草稿就是终稿。

最后，我通过在办公室门上挂了个大告示，才让他们中的几个人明白了我的意思。告示是这样写的：

“是啊，这很难，你知道。我想不出我是应该自杀还是不自杀，你知。”莎士比亚的《哈姆雷特》第三幕第一场。草稿。

“生存还是毁灭，这是个问题。”终稿。

23.Go to Church and Go Fishing

A boy arrived late to his Sunday‐school class. He was always punctual, so the teacher asked if anything was wrong.

The boy admitted that he had planned to go fishing, but his father had told him he must go to church instead. Impressed, the teacher asked if the boy'.father had explained why it was more important for him to go to church than to go fishing.

"Yes."the youngster replied."He said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

做礼拜和钓鱼

一个小男孩上主日课迟到了。他总是非常准时，所以老师问是不是出了什么问题。

小男孩承认说，他本来计划去钓鱼，但他的父亲却让他必须来做礼拜。老师深受感动，就问他的父亲是不是解释过为什么做礼拜比钓鱼重要。

“解释。”小男孩答道，“他说他带的鱼饵不够我们俩。”

24.How Much for a Season Pass

A new dorm rule was announced.

"The female dormitory will be out of bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students."

"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $30 the first time."

"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $6."

"Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions."

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires."Er...How much for a season pass."

办一个季度通行证要多少钱

新的宿舍规则出台了。

“女生宿舍男生谢绝入内，同样，男生宿舍也谢绝女生光。”

“凡有违反者，初犯将罚款30美。”

“再犯者将罚款60美。”

“第三次犯规将罚款180美元。有什么问题。”

这时，人群中一个男生问道：“呃……那么办一个季度通行证要多少。”

25.An Imaginary Line

A schoolteacher asked the class."Can anyone tell me what equator is."

"Yes. I can."answered one boy."It'.an imaginary line drawn around the earth equally distant from the poles."

That sounded to her like a memorized definition."Do you really know what it means."she demanded."Could you, for example, tie a knot in the equator."

"Yes."he stated promptly.

"Could you, indeed."she asked.

But the bright pupil was not dismayed."An imaginary knot, teacher."he countered.

假想线

一名教师问班里的学生：“谁能告诉我赤道是什。”

“报告，我。”一个男生答道，“赤道是一条离两极同样远环绕地球的假想。”

她听这个男生像在背定义。“你真知道那是什么意思。”她问道，“比如说，你能在赤道上打个结。”

“。”他马上答道。

“你真的能。”她反问道。

但是，那个聪明学生并不惊慌，反驳说：“老师，那是个假想。”

26.Brother in South America

Mr. William taught English at a school. At the beginning of his lesson, he liked to have one of his students give a report on any subject.

When it was Jack'.turn, he told his audience about his elder brother who was a local worker. But during the report, his eyes were staring at the world map on the wall all the time. Mr. William knew that Jack didn't look at the audience because he was nervous. He said to Jack."We can see you miss your brother very much. But is he OK now in South America."

南美洲的哥哥

威廉先生在一所学校教英语。每次开始上课，他都喜欢叫一个学生上讲台演讲，题材不限。

轮到杰克演讲时，他向听众讲起了他在当地工作的哥哥。但在讲述过程中，杰克的眼睛一直盯着墙上的世界地图。

威廉先生知道杰克是因为紧张才不看听众。他对杰克说：“我们能看出你非常想念你的哥哥，他目前在南美洲还好。”

27.Evils of Liquor

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, Observe the worms closely."said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about happy.Ａs the second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doom.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment."the professor asked. Little Ron, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded."Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

酒的危害

一名化学教授想要给五年级的学生上一堂关于酒的危害的课，于是他做了一个实验，拿了一杯水，一杯威士忌，还有两只虫子。

“现在，同学们，仔细观察这两只虫。”教授一边说一边将第一只虫子放进水里。虫子在水里自由地翻滚，非常快乐自得。

他又把第二只虫子放进威士忌里。它痛苦地扭动着，很快沉到杯底，死了。

“现在，你们能从这次实验当中得到什么结。”教授问道。

坐在后面的小罗恩，举起手来，自作聪明地回答道，“喝威士忌可以不长。”

28.I Am the Goalie

Amy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students.

One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Amy approached and asked the girl if she was right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Amy noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Amy offered."Would you like me to be your friend."

The girl hesitated then said."OK."looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling that she was making progress Amy then asked."Why are you standing herself all alone？’

"Because,"the little girl said with great exasperation."I am the goalie."

我是守门员!

艾美开始从事小学顾问的工作，她很热切地想尽职尽责帮助学生们。

一天课间休息时，一个女生独自站在操场的一边，而其他的孩子们都在另一边尽情地踢足球。

艾美走近那个女生，关心地问她是否还好。

那个女生说她很好。

然而，过了一会儿，艾美发现那个女生依然站在刚才的位置，依然独自一人。

艾美又走近那个女生，她主动提出：“你希望我成为你的朋友。”

那女生犹豫了一下，用怀疑的眼神打量着眼前这个女人说：“好。”

艾美感觉事情有了些进展，就进一步问道：“你为什么总是独自站在这儿。”

那个女生恼火地说：“因为我是守门。”

29.Cut Again

A math teacher had been teaching his class all about fractions for the past week, and now he wanted to find out how much they had been able to remember, so he asked one of the boys in the class."If I cut a piece of meat into two pieces, what would I get."

"Halves."answered the student at once.

"Good."said the teacher."And if I cut each piece in half again."

"Fourths."answered the next student.

"And if I cut it again, John."the teacher went on.

"Eighths."answered John.

"Yes."said the teacher, nodding to the next boy."And again."

"Sixteenths."answered the student.

"Good."said the teacher."And once more, Lisa."

"Thirty‐seconds."answered Lisa after thinking for a few seconds.

"Yes, that'.right. And again."the teacher continued.

"Hamburger meat."answered the last student.

再切一次

有一名数学老师过去的一周都在教分数。现在，他想知道学生能记得多少，所以他就问班上的一个学生：“如果我把一块肉切成两片，我会得到多。”

“二分之。”学生马上答道。

“。”老师说，“如果我把每一片再切成一半。”

“四分之。”下一个学生回答说。

“如果我再切一次呢，约。”老师接着问道。

“八分之。”约翰回答说。

“。”老师说着，向另一个学生点点头，“再切一次。”

“十六分之。”学生答道。

“。”老师说，“再切一次呢，丽。”

“三十二分之。”丽莎想了一会儿答道。

“对，说的对。那再切一次。”老师继续问道。

“碎。”最后一个学生答道。

下篇 百结家事

1.Millionaire

CEO: My wife made a millionaire out of me.

Assistant: What were you？

CEO: A multimillionaire.

百万富翁

主管人：我妻子让我成为了百万富翁。

助手：以前你是什么？

主管人：千万富翁。

2.I'.Not Inquistive

"What! Another new dress？ How ever do you think I can find money to pay for it."

"Darling, you know I'.not inquisitive."

我不爱刨根问底

“什么！又要买一件新衣服？你觉得我怎么去弄钱给你买衣。”

“亲爱的，你知道我不爱刨根问。”

3.That'.the One I Didn't Touch

—Did you eat all the cookies, Jimmy？

—Oh, mum, I didn't touch one.

—That'.strange. There'.only one left.

—That'.the one I didn't touch.

那块就是我没碰过的

——吉米，你把饼干都吃光了？

——哦，妈妈，我一块都没碰过。

——这就奇怪了，现在就剩下一块了。

——那块就是我没碰过的。

4.Just Sew the Buttonhole

New Husband: Did you sew the button on my shirt, darling？

New Wife: No, dear. I couldn't find the button, so I just sewed up the buttonhole.

只缝上了扣眼儿

新婚丈夫：你给我把扣子缝好了吗，亲爱的？

新婚妻子：没有，亲爱的。我找不到扣子，所以我只把扣眼儿给缝上了。

5.Gives In

"The man who gives in when he is wrong,"said the street orator."is a wise man；but he who gives in when he right is.""Married."said a meek voice in the crowd.

让步

“犯错误时让步的。”街头演说者说，“是聪明人，但正确时也让步的人是。”

“已婚。”人群中一个温顺的声音说。

6.I Didn't Notice It

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Nasreddir, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that？

Nasreddir: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn't notice the other.

我没看到它

妈妈：南斯尔丁，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗？

南斯尔丁：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。

7.Apples and Oranges

Big brother: All right, I'.l help you with your homework. Now, if you have five apples and I take one away, how many would you have？

Little sister: I don't know. In my class we do arithmetic with oranges.

苹果和桔子

哥哥：好吧，我帮你做你的作业。现在，如果你有五个苹果，我拿走了一个，你还剩几个？

妹妹：我不知道。我们班里只用桔子做算术题。

8.Rest Your Eyes

I was sharing a park bench with a middle‐aged couple.

The wife was engrossed in one of several books she had with her, while the husband ogled passing pretty women.

"Dear."the wife suggested, offering one of her volumes,"why don't you read a book and rest your eyes."

让眼睛休息一下

我和一对中年夫妇共坐一张公园长椅。那位妻子专心致志地阅读她随身携带的书，她的丈夫则朝过往的漂亮女人抛媚眼。

“亲爱。”那位妻子递给丈夫一本书建议说，“你何不看本书让眼睛休息一下。”

9.Lost Weight

My husband, who is trying to lost weight, has a tendency to grab sweets when he'.bored. We devised a plan that whenever he'.tempted to cheat on his diet, he should think of me and how proud I am of him.

However, one night I overheard him tell friends."Whenever I get hungry, I think about my wife and immediately lose my appetite."

减肥

我的丈夫正在尝试减肥，他厌烦时会抓起甜食就想吃。我们设计了一个方案，无论他什么时候想在节食上作弊，他都应该想到我，而且想到我为他多么自豪。

然而，一天夜里，我听到他对朋友们说：“我肚子饿的时候，我就想到我老婆，马上就失去了胃。”

10.You Are Afraid of Mamma

"Papa, when you see a cow, aren't you afraid."

"Of course not, my boy."

"When you see a great big worm, aren't you afraid."

"No, of course not."

"When you see a horrid, monstrous bumblebee, aren't you afraid."

"No, certainly not."

"Aren't you afraid when it thunders and lightning."

"No, you fool."

"Papa, aren't you afraid of nothing in this world except mamma."

就怕妈妈

“爸爸，你看到一头牛害不害。”

“当然不怕，我的孩。”

“那你看见一只大大的虫子会害怕。”

“不，当然不怕。

“那你看到一只丑陋无比的大黄蜂呢，爸爸你怕不。”

“不，当然不。”

“那你害怕打雷和闪电。”

“不害怕，你真是个小傻。”

“爸爸，难道在这个世界上除了妈妈你真的什么也不怕。”

11.Boy

I accompanied my eight‐month‐pregnant wife to her checkup. We boarded the hospital'.elevator. The only other passenger was an elderly man who studied intently and then said."Boy."Without another word, he got off at his floor.

I was about to tell my wife how strange I thought he was acting when suddenly I realized she was wearing a T‐shirt sporting th."Guess."logo.

男孩

我陪怀孕八个月的妻子去检查。我们上了医院的电梯，电梯里另一名乘客是一位上了年纪的男子。他目不转睛地看着我的妻子，然后说：“男。”直至到了自己的楼层，他再没说话。

我刚要告诉妻子那人真怪，这时我突然意识到她穿着一件T恤衫，上面醒目地写着“猜猜。”的标志。

12.The Same Service

A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.

"When I was first married, I was very happy. I'.come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now everything'.changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me."

"I don't know what you'.e complaining about."said the counselor."You'.e still getting the same service."

同样的服务

有位结婚十年的男人，正向婚姻顾问咨询问题。

“新婚时我非常幸福。在店里累了一天，回到家里，小狗围着我又跑又叫，妻子忙给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。小狗给我叼来拖鞋，妻子对我又喊又。”

“我不知道你有什么可抱怨。”顾问说，“你得到的还是同样的服务。”

13.The Will

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

"To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and ＄5 million."the attorney reads.

"To my darling daughter, Dora who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and＄1 million."

"And finally,"the lawyer concludes."to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will, well, you were wrong. Hi, Dan."

遗嘱

律师和已故百万富翁的家人见面，宣读遗嘱。

“总是陪伴在我身边的爱妻罗丝，我把这幢房子和五百万美元留给。”律师读道。

“我亲爱的女儿，朵拉，在我生病的时候照顾着我，帮我管理着生意，我把快艇、生意和一百万留给。”

“最。”律师最后说道，“我的堂弟，憎恨着我，同我争吵的丹，认为我不会在遗嘱中提到他，哦，可你错了。嗨，。”

14.Try the Hat

A woman was busy making an Irish stew when her husband came in from work, and offered to help her."You can't help much."said the woman."but you might get me a turnip.""What size."asked the man.

"Oh, about the size of your head."said the woman, irritably. The man was away for some time, and then he came back carring a turnip. His wife received him with a broad grin."What are you laughing at."he asked.

"Why."said the wife."Jack Smith called to tell me that he'.seen you in the field at the back back trying your hat a lot of turnip."

试帽子

一个女人在她丈夫回家的时候正在忙着做爱尔兰炖肉，她的丈夫过来帮忙。“你帮不了什么忙。”女人说，“不过你可以递给我一个甘。”“多大。”男人问。“哦，和你脑袋一样。”女人不耐烦地说。

男人离开了一会儿，然后拿着一个甘蓝回来。他的妻子咧着嘴笑着把甘蓝接过来。“你在笑什。”他问。

“杰克·史密斯打电话告诉我，他回家的时候看见你在田地里把帽子放在很多甘蓝上面。”

15.New Suit

My husband was in the Navy and bought a posh looking suit made in Hong Kong. We were invited to a party where I felt rather out of place, for the rest of the guests were all a lot better off than I was. My husband, on the other hand, was the centre of attraction as he told stories of the far‐off places he had visited. Feeling neglected, I joined the group he was with, sai."Excuse m."rather loudly, and tugged his sleeve.

I'.l never forget the silence of that moment‐the faces all turned our way staring in astonishment at holding my hand the sleeve of his new suit.

新套装

我丈夫是一名海军军官，他买了一套看上去很时髦、香港制作的套装。一次，我们应邀去参加一个舞会，在那里我感觉很格格不入，因为其他来宾都比我自在得多。相反，我的丈夫和舞会上的人谈论他去过的很多地方，因而成为关注的焦点。我感觉受了冷落，就加入到他那里，还相当大声地说“让。”，并使劲拉他的袖子。

我永远不会忘记那一刻尴尬的静默——所有人都转过脸露出惊讶的表情：我的手里抓着的只是他新衣服的一个袖子。

16.Why Are Some Hairs White

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother washed the dishes in the kitchen.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrant to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked."Why are some of your hairs white, Mom."

Her mother stroked her hair and replied."Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked."Momma, how come all of grandma'.hairs are white.".

为什么有白头发

有一天在厨房里，一个小女孩坐在椅子上看妈妈洗碗。

突然，她注意到妈妈深色的发丛中长了几根白头发。

小女孩看着妈妈，好奇地问：“妈妈，你为什么有白头发。”

妈妈摸了摸头发回答：“嗯，每次你犯了错，让我流泪、不开心，一根头发就会变。”

小女孩受到启发，想了一会儿，接着问：“妈妈，为什么外婆的头发全白了。”

17.A Naked Man

A man comes home to find his wife naked in bed and bed sheets all rumpled.

The man is surprised. He asks the wife."What'.going on."The woman replies."I am having a heart attack. please call a doctor."

The man rushes downstairs and picks up the phone. Just then, his child comes to him and says."Daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet."

The man is furious. He goes upstairs again, opens the closet and finds his best friend, Bertl, in the closet with no clothes on. The man grabs Bert by the shoulders and shouts."You stupid idiot, my wife is having a heart attack, and all you do is to scare little children."

裸男

有一个男子回家时发现老婆裸体躺在床上，而床单满是皱痕。男子觉得很奇怪。便问老婆说，“发生了什么。”

他的妻子回答：“我的心脏病发作了，快叫医生。”

男子赶快跑下楼要打电话，这时，他的小孩跑过来说：“爸爸，爸爸，有个没穿衣服的男人躲在衣橱。”

男子非常生气，他又跑上楼，去开衣橱，发现他最好的朋友伯特，全身光溜的躲在里面。他很生气地把伯特抓出来，并大声地吼：“你这个白痴，我老婆心脏病发作，你竟然还躲在这里吓小。”

18.The Consciousness of Safety

In trying to make sure my daughter was safety‐conscious, I read her appropriate stories at home. She learned at school about being wary of strangers and her grandmother reminded her about being careful.

One evening as she was climbing the stairs, she heard a noise on the front porch."What was that."she whispered. I walked to the door, pushed in the lock, threw the deadbolt closed and peeked out the peephole. My precautions had an obvious effect on her, In wide‐eyed innocence she asked."Do you think we ought to call an adult."

After explaining that I was an adult, she asked."Do you think we ought to call another one."

安全意识

为了确保女儿具有安全意识，我在家给她读一些相关的报道。她在学校里已学会了对陌生人要谨慎，奶奶也提醒她要处处小心。

一天傍晚，她在上楼梯时听到了前廊里传来的噪音。“是什么声音。”她悄悄地问。我走到门口，推上门锁，插好门栓，又眯着眼睛从猫眼里向外瞥。我的警惕性显然影响了她，她睁大天真无邪的眼睛问：“你觉得我们应该叫个大人来。”

在我向她解释我是大人以后，她又问：“你觉得我们是否应该叫另一个大人。”

19.Keeping Up with Joneses

Jenny was the kind of who had to keep up with joneses.

"Dear."complained Dick."aren't you getting a little greedy in trying to keep up with the neighbors."

"I don't know what you mean."Jenny answered.

"First the Smith family bought a new refrigerator, so we had to buy one, too."

"Well, our refrigerator was already five years old."

"Then the Crisp family bought a color TV console and you insisted we needed one."

"Our nineteen‐inch color set was too small."

"Later the Brown family bought a new car and we had to buy a new car. Why do we have to keep up with the joneses."

"We'.e just as good as our neighbors."Jenny retaliated.

"Well, I have news for you."

"Yes."

"Her hubby has kept a mistress in his office."

与人攀比

珍妮是一个爱和邻居攀比的主妇。

“亲爱。”狄克抱怨道，“你不觉得和邻居攀比有点过头了。”

珍妮回答说：“我不明白你在说什。”

“首先，史密斯他们家买了一台新冰箱，然后我们就也买一。”

“嗯，我们的冰箱已经用了五年。”

“然后克里斯普一家买了一台彩色电视，然后你坚持说我们也需要一。”

“我们那台十九寸的彩电太小。”

“后来布朗一家买了一辆新车，然后我们也买了一辆新的。你为什么老和这些邻居们攀比。”

“我们只是和邻居们一样。”珍妮回应道。

“好吧，我要告诉你一个消。”

“什么消。”

“她老公在公司有了一个情。”

20.The Missing Husband

Laura called her friend Winona about the disappearance of her husband, who had been missing for several days. When asked by the police for a description of her husband, she replied."He'.over six feet tall, with beautiful, wavy blond hair. He'.got a fetching smile that shows a perfect set of teeth. He wears Brooks Brothers clothes and is muscular, weighing about two hundred pounds."

Winona waited until Laura had finished her phone call, then asked what it was all about."Your husband is over five feet and his hair is gray and almost gone. He grins like a polar bear and he'.bought every darned tooth in his head. Laura, that was an untrue description of your husband."

"Sure it was."Laura replied."But who wants that jerk back."

失踪的丈夫

劳拉打电话告诉她朋友温纳她丈夫失踪的事情，他已经失踪好几天了。当被警察问道对她丈夫的描述时，她回答：“他有六英尺多高，漂亮的金色卷发。他的笑容很动人，牙很齐。他穿着布克兄弟衣服店制作的衣服，很健壮，大约两百磅。”

温纳一直等到劳拉把电话打完，然后问她为什么那么说。“你丈夫有五英尺多高，灰色的头发，而且都快掉光了。他笑起来就像北极熊一样，而且每颗牙都补过。劳拉，你对你丈夫的这个描述不真实。”

“当然不真。”劳拉回答道，“但是谁愿意让那个混蛋回来。”

21.Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born."she asked.

He replied."Just send me a post card and write spaghetti, on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and the one day the doctor'.wife called him at the office and explained."Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said."Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack—and died.

So the wife picked up the card and read."Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti."

意大利面

一个医生与他的护士发生了婚外情。不久，护士告诉他说她怀孕了。医生不想让他的妻子知道这件事，于是他给了护士一大笔钱，让她去意大利生孩子。

“但是我怎么让你知道孩子生下来了。”护士问道。

他回答说：“给我寄一张明信片好了，并在背面写上‘意大利面。”

护士也没有别的办法，只好拿着钱飞到了意大利。六个月过去了，一天，医生的妻子打电话到他的办公室说：“亲爱的，我今天收到一张寄给你的明信片，很奇怪，我不明白这张明信片是什么意。”

医生说：“等我回家，看过之后我会解释给你。”

那天晚些时候医生才回到家，看过明信片，立刻心脏病发作倒在地板上——死了。

妻子捡起明信片，读道：“意大利面，意大利面，意大利面，意大利。”

22.The Logic of the Scholar

A rich farmer'.son, who had been bred at the university, always came home at Christmas, to visit his father and mother.

One evening, they were all three at supper, and two fowls having been served up, he told them that, by logic and arithmetic, he could prove those two chickens to be three.

"Well."said his father."you ought to teach us how that Can be done."

"Why."cried the scholar."This is one, and that."he continued."is two; one and two, you know, make three."

"Very clever, indeed, and very funny."returned the father."but you ought to have told us also, how we are to divide those two fowls among us three. Perhaps you could not have managed that so easily, so I will assist you: your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have the second, and the third, you may keep for yourself, as reward for your great learning."

学者的逻辑

一个有钱的农民有一个儿子，他在大学接受过教育，总是在圣诞节回家看望他的父母。

一天晚上，他们三人在一起吃晚饭，有两只鸡被端了上来，他告诉他们，他能用逻辑与计算知识证明那两只鸡可以变成三只。

“好。”他父亲说。“你应该教教我们怎么。”

“哎。”学者叫道，“这是一，那。”他接着说，“是二，一加二，你知道，等于。”

“非常聪明，真的，而且很有。”父亲回答道，但是你也应该告诉我们，我们三个如何分那两只鸡，也许你解决起来不会那么容易，所以我来帮助你：“你妈妈应该吃第一只，我吃第二只，第三只你应该留自己，作为你学得好的奖。”