学会接受并喜欢自己 Learning to Accept Yourself

佚名/Anonymous

We are not born doubting ourselves. We learn to do it. In fact, we are usually taught to doubt ourselves. Often we are taught to do so by otherwise well-meaning people who are passing along their own doubts and uncertainties and who believe they are being protective and caring. What these people (usually parents and other significant adults) want are strong, capable and self-confident people, but they often inadvertently teach us thought processes that lead to something else. That's the bad news. The good news is that we can understand some of these processes and learn new ways of coping that allow us to become more accepting of ourselves. Following are six behaviors you may have learned that can be unlearned and allow you to move toward greater self-acceptance.

Moralistic Self-Judgment

One way to really dislike yourself is to always judge yourself in a very moralistic way. People often spend a lot of time and energy labeling their behavior with moral adjectives such as "bad" "hateful" and "mean". When you apply these kinds of words to yourself you make liking yourself much more difficult. There is a more productive way of looking at yourself that will allow you to begin to like yourself more. Instead of evaluating yourself in this moralistic way, begin to ask questions like:"Did I do what I really wanted to do in this situation?" "How can I correct the misunderstanding that occurred?" In other words, you can start to view what you've done as productive or non-productive rather than as good or bad. If something is non-productive, you can focus on what you have learned from it and try another approach that might be more productive.

Over-Generalizing

Another thing that might cause you not to accept yourself is over-generalizing about something you've done that you don't like. So, for example, if you fail a test you might generalize and say, "I'm really a stupid person." When you do this you are making a statement about all of you all of the time and not just about this one situation at this time. Instead, you might decide that your grade on this test in this subject at this time was indeed poor, and then go on to decide what you want to do about your poor grade, if anything. Getting stuck in over-generalizing discourages you from taking steps that might allow you to do better on the next exam and builds an expectation of future failure.

Impossibly High Standards

Having standards that are impossibly high is a third way you can not accept yourself. It may not come as a surprise to you that most of us are more demanding of ourselves than we are of others. Somehow we can tolerate the fact that other people fail, that they aren't always kind, that they've done things they aren't proud of, but we have difficulty accepting those very human aspects of ourselves. The need to be perfect is another way to set yourself up for failure and enhance the feeling that you are not acceptable. We all make mistakes. Accepting less than perfection simply means recognizing the limitations inherent in being born a human being. Learn to value who you are rather than who you could become. To quote Linus, a sober and often worried character from a popular comic strip, "The world's heaviest burden is a great potential." Wouldn't it be overwhelming if we always had to do what we imagine we could do? Nobody has the time and energy to do all of that. We must make choices about what we will pursue and do them the best we can under the circumstances(which aren't always ideal, by the way).

Not Accepting that There Are Real Limits to Your Abilities

The idea that you should always be able to attain your goals as long as you work hard enough is another factor interfering with self-acceptance. You will reach many of your goals and should give yourself credit for having done so. Some of us have trouble seeing our successes because we focus so much on our failures and many times the failures come after a lot of hard work and personal suffering. It seems that all that hard work should pay off in our having reaching the goal we set out to achieve. It is hard to accept that a given goal may be out of our reach and that may be because of many factors, including the fact that we may not have the talent or skill needed to reach the goal. Of course there may be other factors in operation that make the achieving of that goal at that time impossible—health concerns, financial problems, family difficulties, extraneous stressors, or any number of other factors acting alone or together. The real trick to self-acceptance is to see that the goal is unattainable, at least for now, and shifting your focus to accomplishing what you can accomplish under the circumstances. That could include evaluating your original goal and deciding whether or not to continue with it. It also means giving yourself credit for what you have accomplished and what you have learned from your experiences.

The Comparison Trap

Judging yourself by what others have accomplished is a sure way to lower your self-acceptance. Have you noticed that you never compare yourself to people who seem to aspire to less than you do and that you always chose those people who are the top performers or the most popular as your yardstick for success? Are you as good as your friends, your brother or sister, your parents or Joe Blow? And how about trying to be like "normal" people are? (And who or what determines what is "normal"?) Can you only be good if you're better than someone else? When we use other people as our yardstick, we aren't taking into consideration our own personal limitations or talents. For example, if someone seems to be more articulate than you, you can respond in one of two ways: You can become upset and depressed by telling yourself that you should be as articulate as that person, or you can recognize and accept the fact that there are probably a lot of people out there who are more articulate than you at certain times and under certain circumstances and that is OK. It doesn't mean a thing about you. Playing the comparison game is a dead end street. By doing that you are probably missing some other qualities by which you can judge your own worth, like your honesty, friendliness, caring nature, dedication and so forth. And really, people don't value you for how much you are like someone else. They do value you for the ways you are being you.

Passivity

Just passively letting your life happen may make it more difficult to accept yourself. Part of accepting yourself is engaging in activities that help you like yourself. Think back to those times when you weren't concerned about your acceptability. What kinds of things were you doing? How were you spending your time? To accept and like yourself means that you approve of how you are living your life. If you aren't accepting yourself, you probably don't like the activities you're engaged in. You are feeling dissatisfied. A way to increase your self-acceptance is to become more actively engaged in your life. Look for those activities and relationships that give you the most enjoyment—not necessarily the most enjoyment you could possibly have, but the most you can get from your choices at the moment. Try new things, perhaps things you have always wanted to try but didn't because you felt you couldn't do them. Try them with the attitude that you want to know what it would actually be like to do them. You may find that they are enjoyable and that you want to continue them. You may find that they are OK, but not worth continuing. You may find that you don't like them at all and feel fine about crossing them off your list of things to do. Trying and getting real experience is a way of feeling better about yourself and gaining more confidence in your abilities.

自我怀疑并非天性，而是后天学来的。事实上，怀疑自己通常是被教化的结果。那些教化者往往正经历着困惑和犹疑，他们善意地以为自己是出于保护和关爱，他们（通常是父母或其他重要的长辈）希望我们成为强壮、能干和自信的人。但不经意间，他们教导我们思考的方式却常常导致不良的后果。可喜的是，我们可以理解这种方式，并学习新的方式以更好地接受自我。以下有六种行为，避免这六种行为可以帮你增强自我认可度，你可能学过但并不一定完全理解。

说教式的自我评价

用说教的方式进行自我评价确是令人自暴自弃的一种方式。人们经常耗费大量时间和精力用这样的形容词来评定自己：“差劲”“可恶”和“低劣”。如果你用这些词来形容自己，想要自我认可是非常困难的。有这样一种方式可以让你更欣赏自己，不是用说教式的自责，而是开始问自己一些这样的问题：“在这种情形下，我是在做自己真正想做的事吗？”“我要怎样消除误会呢？”换言之，你开始用有无成效来看待问题，而不是用好坏来评判。如果某事没有成效，你可以集中精神吸取教训，并尝试其他方法以取得更大的成效。

以偏概全

导致你无法接受自己的另一种情况是，你对自己做过但并不喜欢的事“以偏概全”。比如说，如果某次考试不及格，你可能会说：“我真是个傻瓜。”你这样评价其实是对自己过去和未来的全盘否定，而不是针对时下的情况。相反，你应该先明确这个科目的分数在这次考试中确实少得可怜，然后，再决定要怎么应对。以偏概全只会打消你的积极性，让你无法在下一次考试中进步，丧失对未来的信心。

不切实际的高标准

给自己定立不切实际的标准是第三种无法认可自我的原因。大多数人对自己的要求比对别人严格，这不足为奇。但我们能容忍别人的失败：他们不一定总是完美，做过的事不一定总引以为豪——却很难接受我们自己身上人性的弱点。追求完美的渴望是导致自己感到失败、增强自我排斥的另一种原因。人人都会犯错误，我们应该认识到人性中固有的局限性。要学会自我欣赏，而不要一味渴求成为怎样的人。在莱纳斯一部流行的喜剧片中，有一个镇定并总是忧虑的角色，引用他的话来说，“世界上最沉重的负担就是潜在的焦虑。”如果我们总是去做那些想去做的一切事，岂不是会将自己完全吞没？没有人拥有那么多的时间和精力。我们必须有所选择地去追求，然后在某些条件（顺带说一句，不一定总是很理想）下付出最大的努力。

不能接受你能力有限的事实

我们以为只要努力奋斗就一定能达到目标，这是阻碍自我认可的另一个因素。你可能达到很多目标，并由此树立信心。可是，很多人却看不到成功，因为他们总是把注意力集中在失败上。特别是，当我们付出艰辛、遭受磨难后仍然要面对多次失败时，所有的努力看起来都付之东流了。我们很难接受目标无法达成的事实，这可能是许多因素造成的，包括我们没有那方面的才干或技能。当然，也可能是其他一些操作上的问题使目标在那个时期落空——健康因素、经济问题、家庭困难、外在压力或其他单个或多个因素的综合作用。自我认可真正的诀窍在于要意识到这个目标是不可实现的，至少现在不能，然后转移你的注意力，集中到当时条件允许的、能达到的目标上。这可能包括评估你原来的目标，然后决定是否继续追求，也意味着你能从已达成的目标和学到的经验中树立信心。

攀比

用他人达成的目标来评判自己，必定会降低你对自我的认可。你是否注意到，你从不与看似不如你的人比较，而总是选择那些最优秀、最成功的人来比较。你跟你的朋友、兄弟、姐妹、父母或其他人一样好吗？试着做一个普通人会怎样？（谁是或用什么来界定“普通人”呢？）你比别人好就真的很优秀吗？当我们把别人当做自己的尺码时，并没有想过自身的缺陷或才干。比如，某人的口才看上去比你好，你可能有两种反应：你可能变得不安和沮丧，告诉自己你也要有如那个人那般好的口才；或者，你能够认识到，可能有更多的人在特定的场合和时间口才很好，你能接受这个事实，觉得没什么，对你来说无关紧要。攀比会导向绝路，它可能会使你丧失自身的其他品质，如诚实、友善、怜悯、奉献等等。事实上，你的价值并不体现在多么像某个人，而在于你自身。

被动

被动的处世态度会让你更难接受自己。从事你所喜欢的活动有助于自我欣赏。回想那些最不能接受自己的时候，你在做什么？你是怎样度过的？接受和欣赏自己意味着对自己的生活很满意。如果没有自我认同感，你可能正在做自己不喜欢的事，或对生活不满意。增加自我认可度的一个方法是：更积极地面对生活。寻找那些更积极、更能给你带来快乐的关系——不一定是你能拥有的最大的快乐，但一定是从你当时的选择中能得到的最大快乐。尝试一些新的东西，也许，你总是想尝试更多，却总觉得做不到。那么，带着一种寻根问底的态度去试试看吧，你可能会发现它们令你愉快，并想继续下去；可能发现它们很好，但不值得继续；也可能发现自己根本不喜欢，把它们删除会感觉更好。尝试并真正去经历，会让你的自我感觉更好，也会让你对自己的能力更有信心。

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.

—A. Einstein

不要为成功而努力，要为做一个有价值的人而努力。

——爱因斯坦

inadvertently[ˌinədˈvə:təntli]adv.不注意地；疏忽地

Inadvertently, I have become a part of this landscape.

不经意间，我也成为这片海景的一部分。

generalize[ˈdʒenərəlaiz]v.一般化；概括

It is dangerous to generalize about people.

以偏概全地谈论人是危险的。

tolerate[ˈtɔləreit]v.容忍；忍受；容许

He could not tolerate the extremes of heat in the desert.

他忍受不住沙漠的酷热。

inherent[inˈhiərənt]adj.内在的；固有的

The sustainable development of economy is the human social inherent demand.

经济的持续发展是人类社会内在的必然要求。

要学会自我欣赏，而不要一味渴求成为怎样的人。

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自我认可真正的诀窍在于要意识到这个目标是不可实现的，至少现在不能，然后转移你的注意力，集中到当时条件允许的、能达到的目标上。

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事实上，你的价值并不体现在多么像某个人，而在于你自身。

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If something is non-productive, you can focus on what you have learned from it and try another approach that might be more productive.

focus on：集中在

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Think back to those times when you weren't concerned about your acceptability.

think back：回想；回忆；重新思虑

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