喜欢并接受自己 Accepting Oneself

佚名/Anonymous

It's a strange phenomenon how difficult people find it to love themselves. One would think it is the easiest thing in the world, because we're constantly concerned with ourselves. We're always interested in how much we can get, how well we can perform, how comfortable we can be. So with all that, why is it so difficult to actually love oneself?

Loving oneself certainly doesn't mean indulging oneself. Really loving is an attitude towards oneself that most people don't have, because they know quite a few things about themselves which are not desirable. Everybody has innumerable attitudes, reactions, likes and dislikes which they'd be better off without. Judgment is made and while one likes one's positive attitudes, one dislikes the others. With that comes suppression of those aspects of oneself that one is not pleased with. One doesn't want to know about them and doesn't acknowledge them. That's one way of dealing with oneself, which is detrimental to growth.

Another unskillful way is to dislike that part of oneself which appears negative and every time it arises one blames oneself, which makes matters twice as bad as they were before. With that comes fear and very often aggression. If one wants to deal with oneself in a balanced way, it's not useful to pretend that the unpleasant part doesn't exist, those aggressive, irritable, sensual, conceited tendencies. If we pretend we are far from reality and put a split into ourselves. Even though such a person may be totally sane, the appearance given is that of not being quite real. We've all come across people like that, who are too sweet to be true, as a result of pretense and suppression. Blaming oneself doesn't work either. In both instances one transfers one's own reactions to other people. One blames others for their deficiencies, real or imagined, or one doesn't see them as ordinary human beings. Everyone lives in an unreal world, because it's ego-deluded, but this one is particularly unreal, because everything is considered either as perfectly wonderful or absolutely terrible.

The only thing that is real is that we have six roots within us. Three roots of good and three roots of evil. The latter are greed, hate and delusion, but we also have their opposites, generosity, loving-kindness and wisdom. Take an interest in this matter. If one investigates this and doesn't get anxious about it, then one can easily accept these six roots in everybody. No difficulty at all, when one has seen them in oneself. They are the underlying roots of everyone's behavior. Then we can look at ourselves a little more realistically, namely not blaming ourselves for the unwholesome roots, not patting ourselves on the back for the wholesome ones, but rather accepting their existence within us. We can also accept others more clear-sightedly and have a much easier time relating to them.

We will not suffer from disappointments and we won't blame, because we won't live in a world where only black or white exists, either the three roots of unwholesomeness or their opposites. Such a world doesn't exist anywhere, and the only person to be like that is an Arahant. It's largely a matter of degree in everyone else. These degrees of good and evil are so finely tuned, there's so little difference within the degrees in each one of us that it really doesn't matter. Everybody has the same job to do, to cultivate the wholesome tendencies and uproot the unwholesome ones.

Apparently we're all very different. That too is an illusion. We're all having the same problems and also the same faculties to deal with them. The only difference is the length of training that one has had. Training which may have been going on for a number of lifetimes has brought about a little more clarity, that's all.

Clarity of thinking comes from purification of one's emotions, which is a difficult job that needs to be done. But it can only be done successfully when it isn't an emotional upheaval, but clear cut, straightforward work that one does on oneself. When it is considered to be just that, it takes the sting out of it. The charge of "I'm so wonderful" or "I'm so terrible" is defused. We are neither wonderful nor terrible. Everyone is a human being with all the potential and all the obstructions. If one can love that human being, the one that is "me" with all its faculties and tendencies, then one can love others realistically, usefully and helpfully. But if one makes a break in the middle and loves the part which is nice and dislikes the part which isn't nice enough, one's never going to come to grips with reality.

If we look at ourselves in that manner, we will learn to love ourselves in a wholesome way. "Just as a mother at the risk of life, loves and protects her child..." Become your own mother! If we want to have a relationship with ourselves that is realistic and conducive to growth, then we need to become our own mother. A sensible mother can distinguish between that which is useful for her child and that which is detrimental. But she doesn't stop loving the child when it misbehaves. This may be the most important aspect to look at in ourselves. Everyone, at one time or another, misbehaves in thought or speech or action. Most frequently in thought, fairly frequently in speech and not so often in action. So what do we do with that? What does a mother do? She tells the child not to do it again, loves the child as much as she's always loved it and just gets on with the job of bringing up her child. Maybe we can start to bring up ourselves.

The whole of this training is a matter of maturing. Maturity is wisdom, which is unfortunately not connected to age. If it were, it would be very easy. One would have a guarantee. Since it is hard work, a job to be done. First comes recognition, then learning not to condemn, but to understand. "This is the way it is." The third step is change. Recognition may be the hardest part for most people; it's not easy to see what goes on inside of oneself. This is the most important and the most interesting aspect of contemplation.

We lead a contemplative life, but that does not mean we sit in meditation all day long. A contemplative life means that one considers every aspect of what happens as part of a learning experience. One remains introspective under all circumstances. When one becomes outgoing, one goes to the world with one's thoughts, speech and action. One needs to recollect oneself and return within. In our way it's a combination of meditation and lifestyle. The contemplative life goes on inside of oneself. One can do the same thing with or without recollection. Contemplation is the most important aspect of introspection. It isn't necessary to sit still all day and watch one's breath. Every move, every thought, every word can give rise to understanding oneself.

This kind of work on oneself will bring about deep inner security, which is rooted in reality. Most people are wishing and hoping for this kind of security, but are not even able to voice their longing. Living in a myth, constantly hoping or being afraid is opposed to having inner strength. The feeling of security arises when one sees reality inside of oneself and thereby the reality in everyone else and comes to terms with it.

The contemplative life is often lived heavy-handedly. A certain lack of joy is compensated for by being outgoing. This doesn't work. One should cultivate certain light-heartedness, but stay within oneself. There's nothing to be worried or fearful about, nothing that is too difficult. So we need a light-hearted approach to our own difficulties and those of everyone else, but not exuberance and outpouring. Rather a constant inwardness, which contains a bit of amusement. This works best. If one has a sense of humor about oneself, it is much easier to love oneself properly. It's also much easier to love everybody else.

We sometimes think we can portray something we are not. That is not possible. People generally try to show themselves off as something better than they really are. Then, of course, they become disappointed in themselves when they fail, and equally disappointed in others. To realistically know oneself makes it possible to truly love. That kind of feeling gives the light-heartedness to this job in which we're engaged, which is needed. By accepting ourselves and others as we truly are, our job of purification, chipping away at the defilements, is made much easier.

爱自己是件很困难的事，这真是一种很奇怪的现象！或许有人以为这是世界上最容易的事，因为我们始终都在关心自己。我们总对能获得多少，表现多好，如何舒适地生活怀有极大的兴趣。那为何真正地爱自己就那么难呢？

当然，爱自己并不意味着放纵自己。很多人都没有真正地爱过自己，他们知道，很多东西并不是自己渴望就能得到。每个人都有很多想法，有不同反应和好恶。他们会认为：没有这些，他们会更快乐。当一个人肯定自己某些方面而厌恶其他方面时，他就做出了判断。于是，我们对自身不满的方面被压制下去，不想去了解，也不想承认它的存在。这是非常有碍自己成长的方式。

讨厌自己看似消极的一面也是一种愚蠢的做法。每次这种消极面出现的时候都要自责，从而使事情变得更为糟糕，恐惧和挑衅也随之而来。若你想以一种平和的方式对待自己，装作消极方面——争强好胜、脾气暴躁、自负享乐等倾向都不存在，那是没有裨益的。若我们如此伪装自己，那就与现实相去甚远，也就人为地把自己割裂了。这样的人即使是健全的，给我们的外表印象也未必真实。我们都曾遇到过这样的人，外表甜美得不切实际，因为那是经过伪装和压制的。自责并不奏效。这两种情况下人们都把自己的反应传达给别人。有些人指责他人真实或虚幻的缺点，甚至有时不把他们当做普通人。每个人都生活在一个虚幻的世界里，这是由自负导致的，特别不真实。因为这里的一切要么太完美，要么太糟糕。

唯一真实的是我们的心间藏有六个根源——三个善良的，三个邪恶的。后者是贪婪、憎恶和幻觉，与此同时，我们也拥有慷慨、仁慈和智慧。我们试着关注下面这件事：如果一个人察觉到了这一点，并不因此而焦虑，那么他就可以接受人人都有这六个根源的事实。当他发现自己身上也有这些根源时，再接受这一事实便很容易。这些是我们个人行为的内在根源。之后，我们会更客观地看待自己，既不因有不健康的根源而自责，也不因有健康的根源而骄傲，而是欣然接受它们现存的方式。我们也可以更确定地接受别人，与他人相处得更轻松融洽。

我们不再受失望的折磨，也不再自责，因为我们不会生活在仅有黑白两种色彩的世界中，即好或坏任意一方的三个根源。任何地方都不存在这样的世界，只有阿罗汉是唯一完美的人。事实上，这只不过是程度问题。这个程度调整得近乎完美，以至使我们每个人心中好坏相区别的程度细微到可以忽略。培养善根，摒弃恶根，是人类的共同任务。

显然，我们每个人各有不同。这也是一种幻觉。我们都面临相同的难题，也有相同的应对措施。受训练时间的长短不同是我们的唯一区别。或许持续较久的训练，让我们更明白罢了。

净化了的感情能使思维更清晰，这是一项有待达到却又很难达到的境界。只有当一个人感情清晰明确直率，才有望实现。当确定要那么做时，就把针刺拔除。认为自己完美无缺或一无是处，就不可能实现。我们既非完美无缺也非一无是处，每个人集潜能和障碍于一身。如果一个人可以爱有某些才能倾向的“我”，那他也可以切实、有效而有益地爱他人。但如果将这两部分割裂开，只爱好的部分，而讨厌坏的部分，那他永远不会拥有现实。

如果我们以那种方式看待自己，也就学会了用健康的方式爱自己。“就像危难之时，母亲关爱和保护自己的孩子那样”，做你自己的母亲！如果我们想与自己建立一种真实的、有利于成长的关系，那我们需要成为自己的母亲。明智的母亲能辨别对孩子有益和有害的事物。但当孩子行为不端时，她还是会情不自禁地去爱他。这是待己方面特别要注意的问题。人们时常都会有思想和言行不端之时，思想上最为常见，其次是言语上，再次是行为上。我们应对此采取什么措施呢？一位母亲又会怎么做呢？她会告诉孩子别再那么做，并仍会和从前一样爱他，继续养育他。我们也可以这样对待自己，或许我们也便开始养育自己。

这个训练的过程也是一个成熟的过程。成熟是一种与年龄无关的智慧。如果它们之间有关联，那么事情就会很简单了，一个人的成熟就有了保障——到了一定年龄他必然会走向成熟。因为这是一份艰难的工作，一项有待完成的工作。首先要会识别，然后学着不再怨天尤人，而是以理解的心面对一切，确信“事情本应如此”；第三步才是改变。对多数人来说，识别是最困难的一步，认清自己并非易事。这是沉思最重要也最有趣的方面。

我们过着沉思的生活，但并不是说我们要终日静坐沉思。沉思的生活是指我们要把生活中发生的一切都看成学习经验的资源。无论在什么情况下都应养成自省的习惯。当你外出时，你就带着自己的思想和言行融入了这个世界。一个人需时常追忆往事并在内心细细品味。对于我们来说，这就是沉思与生活方式的结合。沉思的生活存于一个人的内心，不管是否有回忆的介入，他都可以做几件相同的事。沉思是自省最重要的一个方面，但整日无所事事，坐观自己的呼吸并无必要。每一举动、每一思想甚至每句话都能给你灵感，让你更能理解自己。

对待自己的这种行为能给内心带来一种根植于现实的安全感。多数人都渴望这种安全，但却不能确切地表达出这种渴望。生活在虚幻中，持续的希望和恐惧是与拥有坚强的意志相悖的。当一个人看到了自己内心的真实，同时也看到了其他人心中的真实，并与之达成谅解时，安全感便随之而来。

沉思的生活通常很繁忙。某种乐趣的缺乏可以通过与人友好相处进行弥补，可往往事与愿违。我们应培养一种轻松愉快的心境，但是只限于内心。没有什么事情值得担心和恐惧的，也没有什么事情是非常困难的。因此我们应以轻松的心情去面对自己和他人遭遇的困难，但切勿过于外露。做一个内敛的人，怀有些许的愉悦心情，这样会达到更好的效果。如果一个人在对待自己时有幽默感，就很容易正确地爱自己，同样也更容易地爱他人。

有时我们以为可以美化自己，那是不可能的。人们总是希望展现给别人的自己比真实的更完美。当然，当实现不了时，就会对自己和他人都感到失望。只有真实地了解自己才能真正地爱自己。这种感觉给了我们参与的工作所需要的轻松心态。接受真实的自己和他人，我们的净化工作——祛除心灵的杂质，才会更容易。

If a jewel falls into the mire, it remains as precious as before; and though dust should ascend to heaven, its former worthlessness will not be altered.

—Jaber

宝石即使落在泥潭里，仍是一样可贵；尘土纵然扬到天上，还是没有价值。

——贾比尔

phenomenon[fiˈnɔminən]n.现象

Their so-called prosperity is only a temporary phenomenon.

他们所谓的繁荣只是一个暂时的现象。

suppression[səˈpreʃən]n.抑压；镇压；抑制

They are struggling against the policy of suppression.

他们正在同镇压政策作斗争。

irritable[ˈiritəbl]adj.易怒的；急躁的

We become irritable and also lose patience to others.

我们变得易怒且失去对彼此的耐心。

generosity[ˌdʒenəˈrɔsiti]n.慷慨；大方

His supposed generosity is merely a form of self-interest.

他貌似慷慨，不过是变相的利己而已。

净化了的感情能使思维更清晰，这是一项有待达到却又很难达到的境界。

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对多数人来说，识别是最困难的一步，认清自己并非易事。

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只有真实地了解自己才能真正地爱自己。

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We will not suffer from disappointments and we won't blame, because we won't live in a world where only black or white exists, either the three roots of unwholesomeness or their opposites.

suffer from：遭受；因……而蒙受损害

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Just as a mother at the risk of life, loves and protects her child.

at the risk of：冒着……的危险

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