第2章 与人交往的秘诀
在这个世界上，只有一个方法能够让任何人去做任何事。你是否静下心来想过这一点呢？是的，只有一个方法，那就是让别人愿意去做那件事。
请记住，除此之外没有别的方法。
当然，你可以用枪威逼某人把他的手表给你。你可以用解雇来威胁你的雇员，使他听你的话，哪怕你并不在身边。你还可以用鞭子或恫吓的方法使一个孩子做你交给他的事。但这些粗暴的做法显然只会导致极其不良的反应。
而我能够促使你做任何事的唯一方法，就是满足你的需要。那么，你需要什么呢？西格蒙德·弗洛伊德说：“你我所做的任何事情都起源于两种动机：性冲动以及成为伟人的欲望。”美国大哲学家杜威的观点与此稍有不同。杜威博士说：人类天性中最深层的冲动就是“显要感”。记住，是“显要感”。这是非常重要的。你将在这本书中看到许多有关的内容。
你所需要的是什么呢？并不多。但不可否认，有少数东西的确是你所需要并且迫切渴望的。大多数人想要的东西包括：
（1）健康与生命的保障。
（2）食物。
3. Sleep.
4.Money and the things money will buy.
5.Life in the hereafter.
6. Sexual gratification.
7. The well-being of our children.
8. A feeling of importance.
Almost all these wants are usually gratified—all except one. But there is one longing—almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep—which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls “the desire to be great.” It is what Dewey calls the “desire to be important.”
Lincoln once began a letter saying:“Everybody likes a compliment.” William James said:“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” He didn't speak, mind you, of the “wish” or the “desire” or the “longing” to be appreciated. He said the “craving” to be appreciated.
Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and “even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.”
The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals. To illustrate: When I was a farm boy out in Missouri, my father bred fine Duroc-Jersey hogs and pedigreed white-faced cattle. We used to exhibit our hogs and white-faced cattle at the country fairs and livestock shows throughout the Middle West. We won first prizes by the score. My father pinned his blue ribbons on a sheet of white muslin, and when friends or visitors came to the house, he would get out the Long sheet of muslin. He would hold one end and I would hold the other while he exhibited the blue ribbons.
（3）睡眠。
（4）金钱及金钱所能买到的东西。
（5）长寿。
（6）性欲的满足。
（7）子女的幸福。
（8）显要感。
除去一点之外，几乎所有这些需要都能满足。还有一项需要如同食物或睡眠一样重要却很难满足，那就是弗洛伊德所说的“成为伟人的欲望”，也就是杜威所说的“显要感”。
林肯曾在一封信的开头说：“每个人都喜欢别人的恭维。”威廉·詹姆斯也说：“在人类天性中，最深层的本性就是渴望得到重视。”一定要注意，他并没有说“愿望”“欲望”或“希望”，而是说“渴望”得到重视。
这是一种令人痛苦而且迫切需要解决的人类的饥饿，只有极少数能满足这种人类内心饥饿的人才能把握别人，“甚至在他去世的时候，连殡仪馆的人也会为之叹息”。
出人头地的“显要感”这种欲望是人与动物之间的一种主要差别。例如，当我还是密苏里州的一个农村孩童时，我父亲就在饲养良种杜罗·杰赛猪和白脸牛。我们经常在中西部的集市及家畜展销会上出售我们的猪和牛。我们获得过几十个头等奖。我父亲用别针把蓝缎带奖章别在一条白布上，当朋友或客人来我家时，他就取出这条长带。他拿着这一端，而我则持着那一端，为客人展示蓝缎带
The hogs didn't care about the ribbons they had won. But Father did. These prizes gave him a feeling of importance.
If our ancestors hadn't had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance, civilization would have been impossible.Without it, we should have been just about like animals.
It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found in the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for fifty cents. You have probably heard of this grocery clerk. His name was Lincoln.
It was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspired Dickens to write his immortal novels. This desire inspired Sir Christopher Wren to design his symphonies in stone. This desire made Rockefeller amass millions that he never spent! And this same desire made the richest family in your town build a house far too large for its requirements.
This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.
It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities. The average young criminal, according to E.P.Mulrooney, onetime police commissioner of New York, is filled with ego, and his first request after arrest is for those lurid newspapers that make him out a hero. The disagreeable prospect of serving time seems remote so long as he can gloat over his likeness sharing space with pictures of sports figures, movie and TV stars and politicians.
If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I'll tell you what you are.
奖章。
这些猪并不关心它们得了什么奖章。但是我父亲却很在意，因为这些奖章给他一种显要感。假如我们的祖先对于这种显要感并没有强烈欲求的话，那么人类文明也就无法产生。而没有文明，我们和动物就没什么区别。
正是这种追求显要感的强烈欲望，推动着一位没有受过什么教育的、极其贫困的杂货店伙计去研究一本法律书，这本书是他在一只堆满了杂物的大木桶底下找出来，并花了50美分买下的。也许你已经听说过这位杂货店的伙计，他的名字叫林肯。正是这种追求显要感的强烈欲望，激励着狄更斯完成了不朽的作品。这种欲望还激励克里斯托弗·雷恩设计出了“石之和音”。这种欲望还促使洛克菲勒创造了他一辈子都花不完的财富。也正是这种欲望促使城里那些大富豪们建造起一栋栋大别墅，这些别墅远远超过了其实际需要。也正是这种欲望促使你想要穿最时髦的衣服，驾驶最新款式的汽车，和别人谈论你聪明伶俐的孩子。也正是这种欲望，诱使许多孩子成为匪徒。“如今的青年罪犯，”纽约市前任警察总监马洛尼说，“非常自负。被捕以后，他的第一个反应是要求看那份骇人听闻的、使他成为‘英雄’的报纸。他们只想看见自己的照片与那些体育明星、影视明星和政治家的照片同时见诸报端，而对于以后的牢狱生活却毫不在意，认为这似乎是不可能的事情。”
That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you. For example, John D.Rockefeller got his feeling of importance by giving money to erect a modem hospital in Peking, China, to care for millions of poor people whom he had never seen and never would see.Dillinger, on the other hand, got his feeling of importance by being a bandit, a bank robber and killer. When the FBI agents were hunting him, he dashed into a farmhouse up in Minnesota and said, “I'm Dillinger!” He was proud of the fact that he was Public Enemy Number One.“I'm not going to hurt you, but I'm Dillinger!” he said.
Yes, the one significant difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance.
History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling for a feeling of importance. Even George Washington wanted to be called “His Mightiness, the President of the United States”; and Columbus pleaded for the title “Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of India.” Catherine the Great refused to open letters that were not addressed to “Her Imperial Majesty”; and Mrs.Lincoln, in the White House, turned upon Mrs. Grant like a tigress and shouted, “How dare you be seated in my presence until I invite you!”
Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd's expedition to the Antarctic in 1928 with the understanding that ranges of icy mountains would be named after them; and Victor Hugo aspired to have nothing less than the city of Paris renamed in his honor. Even Shakespeare, mightiest of the mighty, tried to add luster to his name by procuring a coat of arms for his family.
People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy and attention, and get a
如果你将自己如何获得显要感的方式告诉我，我就能说出你是怎样的人。凭这一点就可以确定你的性格，因为这是你生活中最重要的事情之一。例如，“石油大王”洛克菲勒在中国北京出资建新式医院，为千百万他从来都没有见过，而且今后也永远不会见到的贫民治病，以此获得显要感。相反，狄林格则通过当强盗抢劫银行和杀人来获得显要感。当联邦调查局的人追捕他的时候，他闯进明尼苏达州一个农民的家中，说：“我是狄林格！”他竟然以自己是头号公敌而感到荣耀。他说：“我不会伤害你，但我是狄林格！”
是的，狄林格与洛克菲勒之间最重要的差别，就在于他们获得显要感的手段不同。
在历史上，一些名人为了获得显要感而上演了许多有趣的事情。即使是乔治·华盛顿也愿意被称为“至高无上的美国总统”；哥伦布为了得到“海军上将兼印度总督”的名号而不惜远涉重洋；女皇凯瑟琳干脆拒绝拆阅那些没有称她为“女皇陛下”的信件；而林肯夫人曾在白宫对格兰特夫人大发雷霆，说：“你怎么敢在我请你坐下以前，在我面前坐下！”
1928年，那些百万富翁出钱赞助拜德大将去南极探险时，附加了一个条件，那就是以他们的名字命名冰山。雨果甚至希望将巴黎改成他的名字。连“名人中的名人”莎士比亚，为了光宗耀祖，也想方设法为他的家族弄到了一枚象征荣誉
feeling of importance. For example, take Mrs.McKinley. She got a feeling of importance by forcing her husband, the President of the United States, to neglect important affairs of state while he reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time, his arm about her, soothing her to sleep. She fed her gnawing desire for attention by insisting that he remain with her while she was having her teeth fixed, and once created a stormy scene when he had to leave her alone with the dentist while he kept an appointment with John Hay, his secretary of state.
The writer Mary Roberts Rinehart once told me of a bright, vigorous young woman who became an invalid in order to get a feeling of importance.“One day,” said Mrs. Rinehart, “this woman had been obliged to face something, her age perhaps. The lonely years were stretching ahead and there was little left for her to anticipate.”
“She took to her bed; and for ten years her old mother traveled to the third floor and back, carrying trays, nursing her. Then one day the old mother, weary with service, lay down and died. For some weeks, the invalid languished; then she got up, put on her clothing, and resumed living again.”
Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality. There are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the United States than from all other diseases combined.
What is the cause of insanity?
Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but we know that certain diseases, such as syphilis, break down and destroy the brain cells and result in insanity. In fact, about
的徽章。
有时候，人们还会通过装病来博得同情和注意，以此获得显要感。例如麦金利总统夫人，她曾强迫她丈夫——美国总统——将手中重要的国家事务放下，斜倚在她的床边抱着她，抚慰她进入梦乡，而且每次长达几小时，以此来获得显要感。她在治疗牙齿的时候，坚持让丈夫陪着她，以此来满足她希望得到关注的强烈欲望。有一次，由于总统和国务卿约翰·海有要事相商而不得不让她一个人待在牙医那里，于是她大发脾气。
作家玛丽·莱恩哈特也曾告诉过我，为了获得显要感，一位聪明活泼的少妇突然装起病来。“总有一天，”莱恩哈特夫人说，“这个人将不得不面对这一现实，那就是她将逐渐衰老。她的未来将是一片寂寞，她已经没什么希望了。
“整整10年，她一直躺在床上，由她那年迈的母亲在楼梯上艰难地爬上爬下，端茶倒水地服侍她。终于有一天，这位老迈的母亲因劳累过度而离开了人世。这个装病的女人伤心了几个星期之后，不得不爬起来，穿上衣服，重新开始生活。”
有些专家认为人的确会精神失常，这是因为他们需要在癫狂的梦境中获得在残酷的现实世界所得不到的显要感。在美国，精神病患者多于其他一切患者的总数。
精神失常的原因是什么呢？
one-half of all mental diseases can be attributed to such physical causes as brain lesions, alcohol, toxins and injuries. But the other half—and this is the appalling part of the story—the other half of the people who go insane apparently have nothing organically wrong with their brain cells. In post-mortem examinations, when their brain tissues are studied under the highest-powered microscopes, these tissues are found to be apparently just as healthy as yours and mine.
Why do these people go insane?
I put that question to the head physician of one of our most important psychiatric hospitals. This doctor, who has received the highest honors and the most coveted awards for his knowledge of this subject, told me frankly that he didn't know why people went insane. Nobody knows for sure. But he did say that many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality. Then he told me this story:
“I have a patient right now whose marriage proved to be a tragedy. She wanted love, sexual gratification, children and social prestige, but life blasted all her hopes. Her husband didn't love her. He refused even to eat with her and forced her to serve his meals in his room upstairs. She had no children, no social standing. She went insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced her husband and resumed her maiden name. She now believes she has married into English aristocracy, and she insists on being called Lady Smith.
“And as for children, she imagines now that she has had a new child every night. Each time I call on her she says，‘Doctor, I had a baby last night.'”
无人能够回答这个大问题，不过我们知道有些病——例如梅毒，能够使脑细胞受到损伤，从而造成精神失常。事实上，大约有一半的精神病是由于生理原因造成的，如脑部受损伤、酒精、中毒，以及躯体受到创伤。但令人惶惑不安的是，另一半患上精神病的人在脑细胞等机体上并没有明显的毛病。对这些人死后所进行的尸检中，即使用最高倍的显微镜检查他们的脑部神经，也难以查出有什么问题，他们的脑部神经和你我的一样健全。
那么，这些人为什么会精神失常呢？
我向一家精神病院的一位著名的主任医生请教了这一问题。这位医生曾因为在这方面的突出贡献而获得过最高荣誉及最著名的奖章。他坦率地对我说，他也不知道人为什么会变疯，根本就没有人知道确切原因。不过他又说，许多患上精神病的人，能够在癫狂中找到真实世界中难以获得的显要感。他向我讲了这样一个故事：
“现在，我有一位病人，她的婚姻是个悲剧。她渴求爱情和性欲的满足，而且希望有个孩子及社会声誉，但是她所有的希望都被现实生活打破了——她的丈夫不爱她，甚至拒绝和她一同吃饭，并强迫她在楼上的房间服侍他吃饭。她没有孩子，没有社会地位。于是，她疯了。在她的幻想中，她已经和丈夫离婚，并且恢复了婚前的姓名。她现在相信自己已经嫁给了一位英国贵族，并坚持让别人称
Life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality; but in the sunny, fantasy isles of insanity, all her barkentines race into port with canvas billowing and winds singing through the masts.
Tragic? Oh, I don't know. Her physician said to me:“If I could stretch out my hand and restore her sanity, I wouldn't do it.She's much happier as she is.”
If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.
One of the first people in American business to be paid a salary of over a million dollars a year（when there was no income tax and a person earning fifty dollars a week was considered well off）was Charles Schwab. He had been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become the first president of the newly formed United States Steel Company in 1921, when Schwab was only thirty-eight years old.（Schwab later left U.S. Steel to take over the then-troubled Bethlehem Steel Company, and he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies in America.）
Why did Andrew Carnegie pay a million dollars a year, or more than three thousand dollars a day, to Charles Schwab? Why? Because Schwab was a genius? No. Because he knew more about the manufacture of steel than other people? Nonsense. Charles Schwab told me himself that he had many men working for him who knew more about the manufacture of steel than he did.
Schwab says that he was paid this salary, largely because of his ability to deal with people. I asked him how he did it.Here is his secret set down in his own words—words
她为史密斯夫人。
“至于孩子，她现在幻想着每个晚上都会生下一个新的婴儿。当我每次去看她的时候，她都会说：‘医生，我昨晚上生了个孩子。’”
残酷的现实曾经摧毁了她的梦幻之舟，但在想象的阳光灿烂的美丽海岛边，她的梦幻之舟再度扬帆，驶进快乐的港湾。
这是悲剧吗？唉，我可不知道。不过她的医生对我说：“即使我能伸手治好她的精神症，我也不愿那样做。她现在这样生活更加快乐。”
试想一下，如果有人如此渴求显要感，甚至真的变成了疯子，那么我们在他还没有变疯之前就给予真诚的赞许，将会创造出什么奇迹呢？
查尔斯·施瓦伯是美国少数年收入超过100万美元的商人（当时没有个人所得税，一个人一周挣50美元就被认为很富有）。1921年，他被卡内基提拔为新成立的联合钢铁公司首任总经理，那时他38岁。（后来他离开联合钢铁公司，接管当时陷入困境的贝氏拉罕钢铁公司，重新将它经营成美国最盈利的公司之一。）
安德鲁·卡内基为什么付给施瓦伯100万美元的年薪，也就是一天3000多美元的薪水呢？是因为施瓦伯是个天才吗？不。是因为他所掌握的钢铁制造知识比别人更多吗？那绝对是瞎说。施瓦伯自己就曾告诉过我，在他手下做事的许多人比他在这方面知道得更多。
that ought to be cast in eternal bronze and hung in every home and school, every shop and office in the land—words that children ought to memorize instead of wasting their time memorizing the conjugation of Latin verbs or the amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil—words that will all but transform your life and mine if we will only live them:
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
“There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any one. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
That is what Schwab did. But what do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don't like a thing, they bawl out their subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing. As the old couplet says:“Once I did bad and that I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heard never.”
“In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world,” Schwab declared, “I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as privately. Carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on his tombstone. He wrote an epitaph for
施瓦伯说，他之所以能获得这么高的薪水，主要是他为人处世的本领。我问他是如何与人相处的，他亲口说出了自己的秘诀——应该将这些话镌刻在传之久远的铜牌上，悬挂在全国的每个家庭、学校、商店以及办公室中——这些话每个儿童都应该背下来，而不是浪费他们的时间去背诵拉丁动词的变形或巴西每年的降雨量——如果我们真的能够按照这些话去做的话，你我的生活必然会大不相同。
施瓦伯说：“我认为鼓动、激发职工热情的能力，才是我所拥有的最大资本。而充分发挥一个人才能的方法，正是欣赏和鼓励。
“上司的批评最容易扼杀一个人的雄心壮志。我从来都不批评任何人。我认为应给人以工作方面的激励。所以我更加乐于称赞，而不喜欢挑剔。如果说我有什么偏好的话，那就是我‘诚于嘉许，宽于称道’。”
这就是施瓦伯的做法。但一般人又是如何做的呢？正好相反。如果他们不喜欢某件事，他们就会挑剔毛病；如果他们真的喜欢它，他们也会闭口不谈，就好像俗话说的：“好事不出门，坏事传千里。”
“我这一辈子交际很广，见过世界各地的许多著名人物，”施瓦伯说，“我发现所有的人，无论他如何伟大，地位如何高，当他在得到赞许的情况下工作时，总是会比在被批评时工作更出色，成就也更大。”
himself which read:“Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself.”
Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D.Rockefeller's success in handling men. For example, when one of his partners, Edward T.Bedford, lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in South America, John D.might have criticized; but he knew Bedford had done his best—and the incident was closed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; he congratulated Bedford because he had been able to save 60 percent of the money he had invested.“That's splendid,” said Rockefeller.“We don't always do as well as that upstairs.”
I have among my clippings a story that I know never happened, but it illustrates a truth, so I'll repeat it:
According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end of a heavy day's work, set before her menfolks a heaping pile of hay. And when they indignantly demanded whether she had gone crazy, she replied, “Why, how did I know you'd notice? I've been cooking for you men for the last twenty years and in all that time I ain't heard no word to let me know you weren't just eating hay.”
When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was “lack of appreciation.” And I'd bet that a similar study made of runaway husbands would come out the same way. We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.
A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife. She and a group
其实，他所说的也正是安德鲁·卡内基成功的一个重要原因。卡内基不仅仅是私下里，而且还在许多公开场合称赞他的雇员。甚至在他的墓碑上还不忘称赞他的雇员。他给自己写了一句这样的碑文：“长眠于此处的，是一个知道如何与比自己更聪明的人相处的人。”
真诚的欣赏也是洛克菲勒与人打交道的成功秘诀之一。例如，当一位名叫爱德华·贝弗德的合伙人在南美做砸了一大笔买卖，使公司损失上百万美元时，洛克菲勒本来可以批评的，但他知道贝弗德的确尽了最大的努力——更不用说这件事已经发生了。因此洛克菲勒将这件事情朝好的一面来看。他祝贺贝弗德挽回了60%的投资。“这已经很不错了，”他说，“我们不可能每件事情都不出错。”
在我的剪报中有个故事，我知道并不是真的，但它揭示了一条真理，所以我想复述一下：
这个故事说，一位农妇劳累了一天，在家里的男人们面前放了一堆干草。当他们愤怒地问她是否疯了时，她说：“怎么了？我怎么知道你们会在意呢？20年来，我一直为你们男人做饭，你们却一声不吭，也没告诉我你们不吃干草啊。”
几年前，有人对离家出走的妻子进行研究。你认为妻子离家出走的主要原因是什么？就是“没有人欣赏”。我敢打赌，离家出走的男人也是同样的情况。我们常将配偶所做的事情认为是理所当然的，却从不让他们知道我们的感激之情。
of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife. He reported to the class, “I was surprised by such a request.Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her—my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me—but I didn't. I said to her，‘Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’
“The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying，‘I can't think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’
“When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That's right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized her as she had requested.
“The following Sunday at church, after she had reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said，‘that was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.'It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”
Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who ever dazzled Broadway, gained his reputation by his subtle ability to “glorify the American girl.” Time after time, he took drab little creatures that no one ever looked at twice and transformed them on the stage into glamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowing the value of appreciation and confidence, he made women feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantry and consideration. He was practical: he raised the salary of chorus girls from
我班上一位学员讲了他妻子对他的一个要求。她和其他一群妇女参加了一项自我提升的训练。她要求她丈夫帮她列出6项让她变得更聪明的事项。他在班上说：“我对这项要求很惊讶。坦白地说，要我列出将会改变她的6件事很容易——天啊！我太太可是能列出上千个希望我能变得更好的事项来——但我没这么做。我对她说：‘让我想想，明天早上再告诉你。’”
“第二天早上我起得很早，打电话给花店，让他们给我妻子送6朵玫瑰花来，并在上面写道：‘我想不出有哪6件事希望你改变。我喜欢你现在的样子。’”
“我晚上回家时，你想谁在门口迎接我？对了，我妻子。她几乎成了泪人。不必说什么，我很高兴没照她要求的那样去批评她。”
“下个星期天她去教堂时，她把事情经过讲了出来，和她一起上课的几位女士走过来对我说：‘这是我听说过的最善解人意的事。’我也体会到了赞美的力量。”
佛罗伦兹·齐科菲——这位最负盛名的歌舞剧团老板，在百老汇可谓风光无限，他因为能让一个美国女子在一夜之间扬名四海而享有盛誉。他经常能把人们不愿多看一眼的平凡女子，魔幻般地变成舞台上富有魅力的名角。他深知赞赏和自信的价值，他总是会用那种热切的殷勤和体贴的关怀来使那些女子相信自己的美丽。他很现实，为那些歌女增加薪金，从每星期30美元增加到175美元；他还
thirty dollars a week to as high as one hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous; on opening night at the Follies, he sent telegrams to the stars in the cast, and he deluged every chorus girl in the show with American Beauty roses.
I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating. It wasn't difficult. I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.
When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”
We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.
Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, “The Rest of the Story,” told how showing sincere appreciation can change a person's life. He reported that years ago a teacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to help her find a mouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she appreciated fact that nature had given Stevie something no one else in the room had.Nature had given Stevie a remarkable pair of ears to compensate for his blind eyes. But this was really the first time Stevie had been shown appreciation for those
很懂感情，在福立士歌舞剧开始上演的晚上，向剧中明星们发电报祝贺，并将美丽迷人的玫瑰花赠送给每一位表演的歌舞女郎。
记得我有一次迷上了流行的节食风潮，竟6天6夜没有吃一点东西。不过这并没有什么难的。尤其是在第6天结束时，我反而不觉得比第2天更饥饿难耐。但我知道，而且你也知道，如果有人强迫他们的家人或雇员6天不许吃东西，那么这就是在犯罪；然而我们经常6天、6星期，或60年都不给人以真诚的赞美，而这种赞美却和食物一样重要。
当年阿尔弗雷德（他那个时代最伟大的演员之一）在《维也纳团聚》一剧中担任主角时曾说：“我最迫切需要的东西，就是我的自尊。”
我们供养我们的孩子、朋友和雇员，但我们对他们自尊心的关注却少得可怜；我们为他们提供烤牛排、土豆，以增加他们的体力，但我们却不知道给他们以赞赏的语言，而这恰恰是生活中的晨曲，将会永远铭记在他们的心灵深处。
保尔·哈维在他的一次广播《故事启示》中讲了真诚的赞美是如何改变一个人的生活的。他说，几年前底特律一位老师请史蒂维·莫里斯帮她找一只在教室丢失的老鼠。你看，她赞美上帝给了史蒂维其他同学所没有的才能——一对灵感的耳朵，以弥补失明的缺陷。但这却是第一次有人赞美史蒂维的听力。现在，好几年过去了，他说这次赞美成了他新生活的开始。你看，从那以后他就开发自己
talented ears. Now, years later, he says that this act of appreciation was the beginning of a new life. You see, from that time on he developed his gift of hearing and went on to become, under the stage name of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and songwriters of the seventies.
Some readers are saying right now as they read these lines, “Oh, phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I've tried that stuff. It doesn't work—not with intelligent people.”
Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does.True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.
Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery.Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he put it on thick in dealing with the Queen. To use his exact words, he said he “spread it on with a trowel.” But Disraeli was one of the most polished, deft and adroit men who ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was a genius in his line. What would work for him wouldn't necessarily work for you and me. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out.one is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.
I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro Obregon in the Chapultepec palace in Mexico City. Below the bust are carved these wise words from General
的听力才能，并以史蒂维·王德尔的艺名成为70年代顶尖的歌唱家和词作者。
有些读者读到这些话时，也许会说：“老一套！阿谀奉承！拍马屁！那一套我已试过了，根本就不管用——对有知识的人根本就没有任何用处。”
当然，对于有自知之明的人来说，拍马屁很难起作用。因为拍马屁不过是肤浅、自私和虚伪的表现，它应该而且也常常遭到失败。可是，有些人确实非常渴望得到别人的赞美，甚至到了饥不择食的地步，正如即将饿死之人会吃草或鱼饵一样。
甚至连维多利亚女王也愿意被人恭维。曾经担任英国首相的狄斯累利承认，他常常在女王面前极力施展恭维之术。用他自己的话来说就是“尽力奉承”。狄斯累利是最文雅、最机巧、最老练的人之一，他曾经统治着幅员辽阔的英国。他也是一个天才。但他对维多利亚女王有效的方法不一定对你我有效。总的来说，恭维的弊端要多于益处。恭维是一种假象，正如假钞一样。如果你想用它，最终将会招来厄运。
赞赏和恭维区别何在呢？这其实很简单。一个是真诚的，而另一个是虚伪的。一个是出自内心的，而另一个只不过是口头上的。一个是没有丝毫自私目的的，而另一个是出自个人私利的。一个将会得到天下人的钦佩，而另一个只会被天下人唾弃。
Obregon's philosophy, “Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you.Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”
No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it. I'm talking about a new way of life.Let me repeat. I am talking about a new way of life.
King George V had a set of six maxims displayed on the walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One of these maxims said, “Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise.” That's all flattery is—cheap praise. I once read a definition of flattery that may be worth repeating, “Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”
“Use what language you will,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “you can never say anything but what you are.”
If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on and we should all be experts in human relations.
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person's good points, we won't have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.
One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse. Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and
最近，我在墨西哥城的查普特佩克宫看到墨西哥英雄奥伯根将军的一座半身像。在像的下面刻着奥伯根将军的哲理名言：不要怕那些攻击你的敌人，而要小心那些恭维你的朋友。
在此我绝不是想提倡恭维！绝对不是。我只是在讲一种新的生活方式。让我再说一遍吧，我只是在讲一种新的生活方式。
英国的乔治五世国王也有一套共计6条的格言，被挂在白金汉宫书房的墙上。其中有一条格言说：“不要恭维他人，也不要接受不值钱的赞美。”恭维就是那种“不值钱的赞美”。我曾读过一句关于恭维的话，也许值得重复：“恭维就是巧妙地告诉别人他是如何看待自己的。”
“无论你说什么话，”爱默生说，“也无法欺骗你自己的本心。”
假如靠恭维就可以达到目的，那么每个人都会争着去学习恭维之术了，而且我们都可以成为人际关系专家了。
当我们没有思考某个确定的问题时，我们常有95%的时间在考虑个人的事情。现在，如果我们暂且不想我们自己，而是去想想别人的优点，那么我们就不会，也没有必要刻意造出那些廉价而尚未出口的虚假恭维了。
在日常生活中，我们最容易忽略的美德之一就是赞美。有时候，孩子从学校带回好成绩，我们忘了赞扬他们；当孩子第一次烤好一块蛋糕或做好一个鸟笼
approval.
The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.
Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows the discouragement of pouring himself or herself out to an audience and not receiving a single ripple of appreciative comment. What applies to professionals applies doubly to workers in offices, shops and factories and our families and friends. In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop.
Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people.Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellent job and other people give him appreciation and recognition. Honest appreciation got results where
时，我们也忘了鼓励他们。父母的关注和赞扬是最令孩子高兴的。
下一次，当你在餐厅见到盘中漂亮的装饰时，不妨告诉厨师他们做得多好。当疲惫的售货员耐心地给你取货物时，也别忘了称赞。
每一位牧师、演讲者和公共发言人都知道，当他们倾其所有对听众讲话却得不到一丝赞美时会多么沮丧。同样的情形发生在办公室、店铺和工厂员工，甚至我们家人和朋友身上，他们也会有同样感受，甚至加倍难受。不要忘了，我们接触的是渴望赞美的人。赞美是所有人都喜欢的一种合情合理的美德。
在你每天的生活之旅中，要努力留下赞美的温馨。你将惊讶地发现，这一点小火花会点燃友谊的火焰，当你下次再访时就会看见其痕迹。
康涅狄格州新费尔菲尔德市的帕米拉·杜哈姆的职责之一，便是监督一位可怜的看门员的工作。其他员工总是讥讽他，在过道里乱扔东西，让他知道他的工作多么下贱。这对他来说太惨了，大好时光被耗费在了商场里。
帕米拉试了各种办法去激励这个人，都徒劳无功。她注意到他偶尔也会做一件非常出色的事情，于是她立即就此当众表扬了他。自此，他每天的工作都干得更好了，不久他所有的工作都非常有效率。现在他干的是一份优秀的工作，其他人都会给他赞美和认可。真诚的赞美所获得的结果是批评和嘲笑所难以达到的。
伤害别人不仅不能改变他们，更不能鼓舞他们。下面是一则古老的格言，我
criticism and ridicule failed.
Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying that I have cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day:
I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Emerson said:“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let's cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation.Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.
Principle 2：Give honest and sincere appreciation.
剪下来贴在镜子上，这样每天都能看见：
人生只有一次，所以，任何能奉献出来的美德和善行，现在就要去做。不要迟缓，不要忘记，因为人生只有一次。
爱默生说：“凡是我所遇见的人，都在某方面比我强。在这方面，我应该向他学习。”
爱默生都尚且如此，那么对你我来说不更应该这样去做吗？我们先别忙着表述自己的功绩和自己的需要。让我们先看看别人的优点，然后抛弃恭维，给人以真挚诚恳的赞美吧。“诚于嘉许，宽于称道”，那么人们将视你的每一句话为珍宝，终身不忘——即使你自己早已经忘到九霄云外了，但别人仍然会铭记在心。
第二项规则：给予真挚诚恳的赞美。