第35章 BICKERSTAFF CENSOR:--CASES IN COURT.(1)

From my own Apartment,December 5.

There is nothing gives a man greater satisfaction than the sense of having despatched a great deal of business,especially when it turns to the public emolument.I have much pleasure of this kind upon my spirits at present,occasioned by the fatigue of affairs which Iwent through last Saturday.It is some time since I set apart that day for examining the pretensions of several who had applied to me for canes,perspective glasses,snuff-boxes,orange-flower-waters,and the like ornaments of life.In order to adjust this matter,Ihad before directed Charles Lillie of Beaufort Buildings to prepare a great bundle of blank licenses in the following words:

"You are hereby required to permit the bearer of this cane to pass and repass through the streets and suburbs of London,or any place within ten miles of it,without let or molestation,provided that he does not walk with it under his arm,brandish it in the air,or hang it on a button:in which case it shall be forfeited;and I hereby declare it forfeited,to any one who shall think it safe to take it from him.

"ISAAC BICKERSTAFF."

The same form,differing only in the provisos,will serve for a perspective,snuff-box,or perfumed handkerchief.I had placed myself in my elbow-chair at the upper end of my great parlour,having ordered Charles Lillie to take his place upon a joint stool,with a writing-desk before him.John Morphew also took his station at the door;I having,for his good and faithful services,appointed him my chamber-keeper upon court days.He let me know that there were a great number attending without.Upon which I ordered him to give notice,that I did not intend to sit upon snuff-boxes that day;but that those who appeared for canes might enter.The first presented me with the following petition,which I ordered Mr.Lillie to read.

"TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF,ESQUIRE,CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN.

"The humble petition of SIMON TRIPPIT,"Showeth,"That your petitioner having been bred up to a cane from his youth,it is now become as necessary to him as any other of his limbs.

"That,a great part of his behaviour depending upon it,he should be reduced to the utmost necessities if he should lose the use of it.

"That the knocking of it upon his shoe,leaning one leg upon it,or whistling with it on his mouth,are such great reliefs to him in conversation,that he does not know how to be good company without it.

"That he is at present engaged in an amour,and must despair of success if it be taken from him.

"Your petitioner,therefore,hopes,that the premises tenderly considered,your Worship will not deprive him of so useful and so necessary a support.

"And your petitioner shall ever,etc."

Upon the hearing of his case,I was touched with some compassion,and the more so,when,upon observing him nearer,I found he was a prig.I bade him produce his cane in court,which he had left at the door.He did so,and I finding it to be very curiously clouded with a transparent amber head,and a blue riband to hang upon his wrist,I immediately ordered my clerk Lillie to lay it up,and deliver out to him a plain joint headed with walnut;and then,in order to wean him from it by degrees,permitted him to wear it three days in a week,and to abate proportionably till he found himself able to go alone.

The second who appeared came limping into the court;and setting forth in his petition many pretences for the use of a cane,I caused them to be examined one by one,but finding him in different stories,and confronting him with several witnesses who had seen him walk upright,I ordered Mr.Lillie to take in his cane,and rejected his petition as frivolous.

A third made his entry with great difficulty,leaning upon a slight stick,and in danger of falling every step he took.I saw the weakness of his hams;and I bade him leave his cane,and gave him a new pair of crutches,with which he went off in great vigour and alacrity.This gentleman was succeeded by another,who seemed very much pleased while his petition was reading,in which he had represented,That he was extremely afflicted with the gout,and set his foot upon the ground with the caution and dignity which accompany that distemper.I suspected him for an impostor,and,having ordered him to be searched,I committed him into the hands of Doctor Thomas Smith in King Street,my own corn-cutter,who attended in an outward room:and wrought so speedy a cure upon him,that Ithought fit to send him also away without his cane.