第36章 BICKERSTAFF CENSOR:--CASES IN COURT.(2)

While I was thus dispensing justice,I heard a noise in my outward room;and inquiring what was the occasion of it,my door-keeper told me,that they had taken one up in the very fact as he was passing by my door.They immediately brought in a lively fresh-coloured young man,who made great resistance with hand and foot,but did not offer to make use of his cane,which hung upon his fifth button.Upon examination,I found him to be an Oxford scholar who was just entered at the Temple.He at first disputed the jurisdiction of the court;but,being driven out of his little law and logic,he told me very pertly,"that he looked upon such a perpendicular creature as man to make a very imperfect figure without a cane in his hand.It is well known,"says he,"we ought,according to the natural situation of our bodies,to walk upon our hands and feet:and that the wisdom of the ancients had described man to be an animal of four legs in the morning,two at noon,and three at night;by which they intimated that a cane might very properly become part of us in some period of life."Upon which I asked him,whether he wore it at his breast to have it in readiness when that period should arrive.My young lawyer immediately told me,he had a property in it,and a right to hang it where he pleased,and to make use of it as he thought fit,provided that he did not break the peace with it;and farther said,that he never took it off his button,unless it were to lift it up at a coachman,hold it over the head of a drawer,point out the circumstances of a story,or for other services of the like nature,that are all within the laws of the land.I did not care for discouraging a young man,who,I saw,would come to good;and,because his heart was set upon his new purchase,I only ordered him to wear it about his neck,instead of hanging it upon his button,and so dismissed him.

There were several appeared in court,whose pretensions I found to be very good,and,therefore,gave them their licenses upon paying their fees;as many others had their licenses renewed,who required more time for recovery of their lameness than I had before allowed them.

Having despatched this set of my petitioners,there came in a well-dressed man with a glass tube in one hand,and his petition in the other.Upon his entering the room,he threw back the right side of his wig,put forward his right leg,and advancing the glass to his right eye,aimed it directly at me.In the meanwhile,to make my observations also,I put on my spectacles,in which posture we surveyed each other for some time.Upon the removal of our glasses I desired him to read his petition,which he did very promptly and easily;though at the same time it set forth that he could see nothing distinctly,and was within very few degrees of being utterly blind,concluding with a prayer that he might be permitted to strengthen and extend his sight by a glass.In answer to this I told him he might sometimes extend it to his own destruction."As you are now,"said I,"you are out of the reach of beauty,the shafts of the finest eyes lose their force before they can come at you;you cannot distinguish a Toast from an orange-wench;you can see a whole circle of beauty without any interruption from an impertinent face to discompose you.In short,what are snares for others--"My petitioner would hear no more,but told me very seriously,"Mr.Bickerstaff,you quite mistake your man;it is the joy,the pleasure,the employment,of my life to frequent public assemblies,and gaze upon the fair."In a word,I found his use of a glass was occasioned by no other infirmity than his vanity,and was not so much designed to make him see,as to make him be seen and distinguished by others.I therefore refused him a license for a perspective,but allowed him a pair of spectacles,with full permission to use them in any public assembly as he should think fit.He was followed by so very few of this order of men that I have reason to hope this sort of cheats are almost at an end.

The orange-flower-men appeared next with petitions perfumed so strongly with musk,that I was almost overcome with the scent;and for my own sake was obliged forthwith to license their handkerchiefs,especially when I found they had sweetened them at Charles Lillie's,and that some of their persons would not be altogether inoffensive without them.John Morphew,whom I have made the general of my dead men,acquainted me that the petitioners were all of that order,and could produce certificates to prove it if I required it.I was so well pleased with this way of embalming themselves that I commanded the above-said Morphew to give it in his orders to his whole army,that every one,who did not surrender himself to be disposed of by the upholders,should use the same method to keep himself sweet during his present state of putrefaction.

I finished my session with great content of mind,reflecting upon the good I had done;for,however slightly men may regard these particularities,"and little follies in dress and behaviour,they lead to greater evils.The bearing to be laughed at for such singularities,teaches us insensibly an impertinent fortitude,and enables us to bear public censure for things which more substantially deserve it."By this means they open a gate to folly,and oftentimes render a man so ridiculous,as discredit his virtues and capacities,and unqualify them from doing any good in the world.