What are some common self-addictions?
Self-addictions appear in every area of life. You may wish to be a better parent, a better spouse, a better leader, or you may wish to make changes for your own sake, so you can be a better person. In some cases, you may wish to eliminate a behavior that you feel harms you (e.g., controlling behavior). In another situation you may want to begin a new behavior (e.g., regular exercise). Unwanted behaviors may occur in your interactions with others (e.g., yelling at people), or they may occur when you are alone (e.g., criticizing yourself).
Maybe you already have an idea of an area in your life that you wish were different. If not, the checklist on page 5 might help you identify some areas where you’d benefit from change. This exercise is not meant as an opportunity for you to catalogue all the things that you wish to change. Do not get down on yourself if you share many of the behaviors on the list. Instead, focus on those areas you most wish to change now. Also, do not feel restricted by the items listed. Feel free to add your own.
This exercise should start to give you a sense of where some of your self-addictions may lie. Step 1, Identifying Your Self-Addictions, is dedicated to exploring more fully what your self-addictions are and what you most wish to change.
For now, it is important to simply understand that a self-addiction can be any behavior that is used inappropriately. You may even notice that some addictive behaviors are flip sides of the same coin. For example, telling others what to do and doing what you are told can both be self-addictions and illustrate that self-addiction isn’t so much about the behavior itself as it is about the inappropriate use of the behavior.
For every addictive behavior listed, you can construct situations in which that behavior makes sense. You can create circumstances in which the behavior is a good and maybe even the best course of action. Of course, you can also invent situations where the behaviors would have negative, or even disastrous effects.
Throughout the book we will follow the stories of four individuals who have worked to overcome their self-addictions. Karen, the first individual we will follow, works in customer service for a travel services company. She describes how the very behaviors that served her well in some circumstances were actually self-addictions because of how they hurt her in other situations.
The Pushover
I have always loved making people happy. Luckily, I found a job where I am expected to do just that. When people take vacations with my company, I want those vacations to be perfect. If my customers want a particular dining experience, theater tickets, or a room with a view, I find a way to get it done. People aren’t always happy when they come to see me, but I do everything I can to make sure that they leave happy. My job is to take care of people, and I do it pretty well.
I always thought this was a good thing until it sparked troubles for me at home. My husband and daughters have busy lives and lots of needs. I had gotten so good at saying “yes” to people that I didn’t even realize how much it had crossed over into my home life. At work I got rewarded for saying “yes.” The customers were happy, my boss was happy, and I was happy.
At home I got stuck with the lion’s share of the family responsibilities. Every time my daughters needed me or my husband to do something, I was always the one who did it. When it was time for us to decide where to go eat or on vacation, or what color to paint the walls, I never got my choice. One day I realized that I was getting more and more frustrated and resentful toward the people who were most important in my life.
Unfortunately, I had become totally committed to my giving behavior. I don’t think anyone intentionally took advantage of me. It was my own fault. For years I had consistently made my needs irrelevant.
Karen’s giving behavior had become so ingrained that the situation did nothing to influence her actions. She was unable to identify when she should stick up for her own rights and desires rather than simply accommodate the needs of someone else. This accommodating behavior was a great benefit to her at some times, but a disadvantage at others. So, self-addiction can’t be defined by the behavior alone. In order to better understand self-addictions, let’s look at where they come from.